I have a slight problem. We've tried everything. Shock therapy, psycho therapy, mind altering drugs, caning, and simply denying access. We're at our wits end and simply don't know what to do. My daughter is ...gulp... dating a Colts fan. She's 15 and doesn't really comprehend the implications of this huge error in judgement, but that's no excuse. Actually, I should clarify. He's not a Colts fan, but a fan of Mr. Potato Head ...errhh... Peyton Manning which, by association, makes him a fan of THAT team.
Recently, I sat down with his mother to discuss:
Me: This is not good.
Her: I know. What can we do?
Me: Well let's start with a few questions. Was he dropped on his head when he was young?
Her: No, but there was that one incident with a rubber duck...
Me: That's quite alright, no need to go into detail. Did you drink heavily during pregnancy?
Her: No, nothing like that. I'm a good mom.
Me: How about any heavy drug use? LSD, crack, hashish...
Me: Did you ever (leaning into her ear, whispering).
Her: SMACK!! No, no, and NO!!
I think I have a cure that may work. I view it as a mission of mercy, if you will. He will undoubtedly get in serious trouble when he gets older. It's one thing to emigrate from the Horseshoe state and maintain your fandom; that, I would commend him for. However, he was born HERE. This simply will not do. My solution?
I have 3 years of Patriots All Access recorded on my DVR. I plan on strapping the poor lad into a chair, forcing his eyes open and making him watch. I won't stop until he has every segment of the Belistrator memorized AND understands it. If that doesn't work, we'll move onto the 3 superbowl wins on DVD, complete with coverage of the victory parades through Boston. When the child needs rest, I have 5 years of Belichick pressers.
I'm sure this terrible affliction is treatable and I consider it my personal responsibility and mission in life to help the boy. In the meantime, I've shipped my lovely daughter to a convent somewhere in Canada and purchased a Rodney Harrison jersey for him to wear if he doesn't come around. Yeah, that just might work...