Peter King woke up this morning. He shaved, showered, and brushed. Then, sometime after breakfast (we think) he decided to act like a dick.

If you read today's Monday Morning QB, you get the sense that Peter King woke up this morning and decided he was just going to be a dick today. I mean, we are talking world class dick-headiness here.

Old PK starts his article off by trying to talk "slang." While commenting on Titans coach Jeff Fisher's boneheaded decision to go for it on 4th and 3 rather than kick a 49 yard FG to potentially win the game against the Texans, Peter said Fisher had some "splanin" to do after that call (which resulted in a turnover on downs, and a Texans win). I guess it's cute when a fat white guy tries to connect with younger readers by talking like Desi Arnez from the I Love Lucie show; or a black, female hair dresser from Brooklyn. Right off the bat, you know this MMQB is going to be one ripe with pundit douchebaggery.

King follows up his pathetic attempt to sound "cool" by proclaiming that:

I hope every PR guy in the league passes out to every player the part of my column about what Matt Birk is doing this week. It's that important.

I'm sure it is, Peter. And I'm sure all NFL PR people are just rushing to get that assuredly Pulitzer Prize-winning piece into the virtual mailboxes of all the league's players, because NFL PR people should jump whenever THE Peter King writes an article. If Peter farts after wolfing down a bean burrito during halftime, I wonder if Peter expects NFL PR people to Twitter it. Yes, what Matt Birk is doing is very good (pushing NFL players to donate money to causes that help disabled, former NFL players). But, if Peter King wants to make an impact on this, he should pressure the NFL Player's Association, not the NFL PR Department. The NFLPA does not give two craps what the NFL PR department says or does. PR can send out a thousand fliers to a thousand players, and they'll all go in the circular file. NFL players don't listen to anything unless their union gives it the OK, and that is a good thing. The league is about their image and bottom line first, players second. The union looks out for their active players, not the NFL's overall image and message. The only person who benefits from Peter King getting his article distributed by all NFL PR people is PETER KING!

Douchebaggery and ego mania, all before we reach page two.

Now, we start getting into the good stuff. First, King calls the Santonio Holmes TD late in the 4th quarter against the Steelers The most controversial play since ... well, since the Tuck Rule. The reason King gives for this is all of his NBC studio cohorts (Bob Costas, Cris Collinsworth, Keith Olbermann, and Dan Patrick) thought the replay was inconclusive. And since those "geniuses" all thought that, then surely Walt Coleman (like Jeff Fisher) has some "splanin" to do in overturning the call on the field of no TD.

First off, calling that TD The most controversial play since ... well, since the Tuck Rule is a bit dramatic. The tuck rule play involving the Patriots and Raiders in 2001 itself was not controversial. The tuck play was called correctly. It's the dumb ass rule that is controversial, AND IT IS STILL A RULE DESPITE THIS! Yes, I love writing while using caps and italics. Eat me.

So, right off the bat, King is screwing up his comparrisons. The second part is the call on the field in Baltimore yesterday was incorrect. Holmes had possession of the ball, both feet down, and the ball crossed the plane. That is a touchdown defined, folks. The ref who called the ball down at the 2 inch line made a snap judgment call, and there was nothing "wrong" with that call. The play happened in about 2 nanoseconds, and the line judge has to make a judgment quickly in that situation. He made his call, and the booth buzzed for review. The NFL officials upstairs then used all this fancy 21st centry technology to look at multiple camera angles to see if the call on the field was 100% correct (or as close to correct as humanly possible). I watched the TV. I saw multiple angles. I saw the feet down, ball controlled, and ball across the plane. TD. Walt Coleman saw it too, and made the correct call.

The replay system worked and got the call right.

Again, I say this as no fan of Walt Coleman. The guy is a garbage official who should be run out of the league. But his call was correct following the replay. Don't forget that Pittsburgh had driven the ball 95-plus yards to get to that point. So, let's not cry tears for Baltimore by saying they got robbed because their defense choked AGAIN in the clutch.

In any case, that call late-Sunday was no where near "the most controversial" since the tuck play. If Peter King and his NBC buds wants controversy and Walt Coleman, this game and that call were hardly the low points for Coleman and his crew. They want The most controversial play since ... well, since the Tuck Rule? Look no further than Coleman and his mates not calling the Patriots for pass interference after dry humping then-Colts TE Marcus Pollard on a key third down late in the 2003 AFC Championship Game. People still talk about that play, and it resulted in the league making their officials actually ENFORCE pass interference more.

So, douchebaggery, ego mania, and selective memory. Now, we get to Peter acting like a dick.

More after the flip...

We'll start with his power rankings. Again, power rankings are still dumb, folks. This is not the BCS. But for some reason, people like King still like to do these things, and everytime they do them it makes them look more and more clueless. PK starts by putting Pittsburgh #1. That's nice. I guess it kind of makes sense. The Giants are reeling and the Titans have not beaten anyone with a winning record since they beat the Kyle Orton-less Chicago Bears back in early November. It is where King puts the Colts (the team that beat the Steelers in Pittsburgh) that makes King look like a putz.

8th. Behind Dallas, Baltimore, Philadelphia, and Carolina. Ugh.

Forget the fact that Indy throttled Baltimore and beat Pittsburgh this year, and forget that the Cowboys or the Eagles will very likely not make the playoffs. Indy has a better record than Dallas, Baltimore, and Philly. They've also played a tough schedule and dealt with all kinds of adversity. Have teams like Dallas or Philly gone in Pittsburgh and Minnesota and come away with victories? Did they beat the Patriots? Have they won 7 in a row? No, Indy has. I mean, we all know King has a massive hard on for Jerry Jones and his irrelevant franchise kept alive in the public consciousness only because of hack journalists like King and Ed Werder, but COME ON! How the f#&k are the lame-ass Cowboys better than the Colts? What have they done, other than point fingers at each other? Was Peter smoking weed stolen from his house maid when he ranked these teams?

Add drug-induced-hallucination-based power rankings to the other tricks in this week's Peter King Bag of Dickheadiness.

But we save the best for last. Yes, we now have Peter King's MVP list. Who does he have number 1? Why, Peyton Manning, of course. Remember, I said Peter was acting like a dick today, not a brainless f$&k. Only a brainless f$&k would rank anyone higher than Manning in the MVP discussion (like, say, these brainless f$&ks). It is what Peter says about Peyton that makes him a dick today [emphasis mine]:

I wouldn't call it Manning's to lose just yet, and I give him no credit or debit for Sunday's win against the Toledo Mud Hens. But the Colts are 10-4 with him, and I maintain they'd be 4-10 without him, and he's getting stronger as the season goes on: In his past three games, he's a 75.4-percent passer.

Gee, thanks, Peter. Peyton throws for 318 yards and 1 TD with no turnovers and completing 76% of his passing, including going 7-7 on the game-winning TD drive in the fourth quarter... but he gets "no credit or debit" for Sunday's win. And look at the way he treats the Detroit Lions. The "Toledo Mud Hens?" Man! What a dick! If Peter had bothered to take a break from stuffing his face via the complimentary lunch buffet at NBC studios, he might have noticed that the "Mud Hens" are playing hard and with fierce abandonment, which is more than most other teams right now. They certainly bring a lot more fire to the table than the Bengals, Redskins, or the team that features Peter's butt boy: The Jets.

Manning's second place competitor for the MVP in King's book? Atlanta's Matt Ryan. Gone from the list is Captain Fumblator himself, Arizona QB Kurt Warner (because, again, Peter is not a brainless f$&k; he's just acting like a world class dick today). But folks, if Peyton's second place competition is a rookie QB whose team is really riding the running of Michael Turner and may not make the playoffs, then how is this award NOT "Manning's to lose."

If Peter King is seriously considering giving the 2008 NFL MVP to a rookie over Peyton Manning, he is essentially saying Matt Ryan may be better than Peyton Manning right now. And if he thinks that... well, then maybe Peter is indeed both a brainless f$&k AND a dick.

NFL MVP? Better than Peyton Manning? Um, no.

King closes his column by saying Dallas Clark can't block and saying he is proud of his daughter. Peter, we don't care about your daughter (no offense), and Dallas Clark can block just fine, thank you. Watch the games sometimes, and you'll pick that up.

So, why do I harp on old PK again? Well, truth is I like making fun of dumb ass pundits. I admit it. The other part is I'm reading a lot about how the economy is killing newspapers and magazines, and the natural reaction for many is to blame bloggers. The other day, I picked up a copy of NY Metro, and on the second page was an editorial from some douche about how newspapers dying is bad, and how people should not trust bloggers. People say newspapers are important because they check facts while us bloggers (sitting in our mother's basement armored in nothing but our underwear and Mac books) aren't to be trusted because we don't know what we are talking about. Of course, I can't find the column anywhere on the paper's blog site. But what many of these assheads don't bother pointing out is blogs would have no purpose or meaning whatsoever if maintstream media did its job and actually knew what it was reporting on. If Peter King made interesting and insightful comments 75% of the time, there would be no reason to read me or the countless other blogs on the net. Instead, maybe King makes a smart comment 2 or 3 times the whole year. The rest of it is just a mish-mash of stupid observations and comments about the kinds of coffee this guy likes to drink at airports.

Again, King has been covering the NFL for 20-plus years, and I see more insightful commentary on NFL from people like SeanYuille and shake n bake, both of whom have barely been alive for 20 years. Unlike Peter King, who watches games from his ivory tower with a fully stocked buffet spread, we bloggers watch football with the real people; black hairdressers from Brooklyn. We then comment on the games from that perspective, and more often than not that perspective is more accurate than the one spewed by these overpaid media pundits. SeanYuille and shake n bake know more football than Peter King. That is obvious to me. Yet, neither of those guys are paid six figures to write their weekly NFL recaps.

And blogs are the problem here? Please.

Blogs are the saving grace of sports and media. If anyone needs to do any "splanin", it's Peter King. This week's MMQB paints him as one of the true dickheads of sports media. So, I take the time to trash these columns written by overpaid buffoons because I want to highlight that there is more out there. I'm now off to "splan" why I am not getting any "real" work done. I mean, I have to earn my keep right, living in mom's basement. Unless, of course, SI wants to pay me six figures for making stupid comments in a weekly column.