Philip Rivers Hates Christmas

Note:  This is a fictional piece that I wrote for a laugh (hopefully). This is in no way truth, but as Colts fan I strongly dislike Philip Rivers and a tiny piece of me deep down inside thinks this could be accurate. However, this is just a joke and who knows, Rivers might actually be a great guy (But I doubt it).  Merry Christmas to all, I hope you have a great day!! (And Go Broncos !!)  

Philip Rivers hates Christmas. 

But hey what do I know? I’m only a ball boy for the San Diego Chargers. I’m not a big wig coach or team psychologist.  I can only call it like I see it.  And how do I see it, you ask?  Well, the way I see it is simple:   San Diego Chargers quarterback Philip Rivers hates Christmas.

I always thought Christmas was supposed to be a time of cheer. Everyone I know – including family, friends and most co-workers – seem to be full of happiness and smiles this time of year.  Christmas time is an opportunity to put a smile on children’s faces, to buy gifts and to put aside the past year’s troubles.  It’s a time to put others first, to go to parties, and to spend time with those you love.  But not for Mr. Rivers – because Philip Rivers hates Christmas and all it stands for.

I know what you’re saying to yourself … “Oh what do you know kid? You’re 17 and still have acne. You’re a nerd. You collect Star Wars Legos and you have never kissed a girl.”

Yeah I know what you’re thinking … “Why in the world should we listen to you, kid? You’re a teenager and still wet the bed, so what the hell do you know about Philip Rivers? ”

Well I will tell you what I know:  Mr. Philip Rivers is a straight up, hardcore, grade A, no good Grinch. 

I was thinking that this year Mr. Rivers would be giving out some awesome Christmas presents to his teammates and fellow Chargers organization co-workers.  You know some gifts for all the little people – like me!  I mean after all, he is becoming one of the league’s better quarterbacks and the offense was taking more of a focus around his arm this season.  Despite the team’s record, overall I thought Rivers had played well and that a nice gift was in the works.

Boy was I wrong.        

We all thought last year he just forget and chalked it up to him being in an uncontrollable psychotic rage.   Apparently it’s just how he does Christmas, because again this year the guy did not buy a present for a single person. Not even LT!  I hear at the very least the QB’s are supposed to buy something for the offensive line. Oh, but not Mr. Rivers.  Just the other day I heard him yelling at them, saying something like if they did their job he might have two good knees.

I mean it might be different if we were talking about a third string DB, but come on!  I mean he’s the quarterback and he didn’t buy a single gift!

Some players bring in gifts for everyone or at least do something to help spread the holiday cheer.  Antonio Gates brought in home-made Christmas cookies and chocolate covered pretzels.  What a guy! They were delicious! And Darren Sproles gave all the equipment guys a $50 gift card to Best Buy.  Even Shawne Merriman was handing out GNC pill packs.

But not Ol’ Philip Rivers. That guy is just too good for Christmas. I even heard one year when he was walking into a store a Salvation Army bell ringer asked for a donation and Rivers walked up and punched him right in the face.  And last year when A.J. Smith gave him a Christmas card, with a little post season bonus, he just tossed it in the garbage.  Rumor has it when he found out there was money inside he went and dug it out of the trash and used the money on expensive vodka and cheap hookers.

But is it too hard to spend a little money on the people that try to help you be successful?  I hear Kurt Warner hands out bibles with a nice little note and Christmas check inside.  I even hear Sage Rosenfels hands out presents, a back-up quarterback, a back-up for heaven’s sakes!

Oh well, I guess it could be worse.  And who knows, maybe next year I could get traded and work for Jay Cutler or even Donovan McNabb, I hear he once gave a towel boy a car. That would be the life.

But for now I’m stuck with what I got. And that’s not good, because I’m stuck with Philip Rivers. And I can tell you first hand that Philip Rivers hates Christmas.