Know Your Colts History: 3 Things to Watch for Every Week of the NFL Season

by JakeTheSnake on Sep 11, 2009 12:16 PM EDT Comment 11 comments

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After long, agonizing months of talking about Bob Sanders' knee, Jim Caldwell's coaching abilities, and Tony Ugoh's manliness we'll finally have some Colts football to talk about this weekend. For the first time since January 3rd, we can watch our favorite team engage in competitive football. If that doesn't get you excited, then you should probably try to buy a pulse on eBay.

The next 17 weeks promises to be a time full of twists and turns, highs and lows. To try and predict how it will all unfold is nothing but pure speculation, but hey, speculation is fun. So without further ado, here's three predictions for each week of the regular season, none of them having anything to do with a final score.

Week 1 vs. Jacksonville

Jim Caldwell accidentally misplaces his red challenge flag, losing it among the large pile of bloodied tissues from Bob Sanders head-butting people.
Stadium officials only open one side of Lucas Oil Field's roof after Jack Del Rio complains that he looks goofy wearing a visor.
2 Jaguars get called for unsportsmanlike conduct penalties that dramatically change the game, not because they were angry about something, just so they could maintain the status quo.

Week 2 @ Miami

ESPN re-hires Emmitt Smith to call the game, hoping that he'll call Dolphins' coach Tony Sparano "Tony Soprano." The plan backfires when Smith runs out of the booth to ask what happened to him and the rest of the family after the series finale.
Joseph Addai and Donald Brown run for the exact same amount of yards on the same number of carries. Somehow, this vindicates the Brown supporters and the Addai supporters.
Fili Moala realized that Miami is nothing like how it's portrayed in Grand Theft Auto: Vice City.

Week 3 @ Arizona

Bob Sanders and Larry Fitzgerald collide in the largest dread-on collision in human history. Stadium security spends most of the 2nd half untangling fans from the web of hair that trapped the south end of the field.
Dallas Clark finally realizes that Edgerrin James signed with Seattle. After learning the news, he sends Edgerrin an angry text about feeling left out of the loop. Edge responds by saying "where u at?" followed shorty after by "whoops wrong number."
It finally dawns on shake n bake that the Cubs won't make the playoffs this year.

Week 4 vs. Seattle

Matt Hasselbeck tries to confuse Peyton before the game by telling him that there's a Starbucks within the Starbucks closest to his house. Thankfully, Peyton knew that he was lying. There's actually two Starbucks within the Starbucks closest to Matt Hasselbeck's house.
Edge reacts awkwardly when Dallas tries to give him a "bro-hug" before the game.
Adam Vinatieri is forced into punting duty after Pat McAfee is forced out of the game with "punter's knee."

Week 5 @ Tennessee

Peyton gives Curtis Painter a tour of the University of Tennessee, conveniently avoids the training room.
Lendale White succumbs to his tequila demons and instantly re-gains 30 pounds.
Vince Young confesses before the game that he's always been jealous of Kerry Collins' scruffy beard.

Week 6 - Bye Week

Quinn Pitcock continues to enjoy life as a "happionaire".
Reggie Wayne travels down to Miami and complains when a cool front drops the temperature to the low 70's.
Jim Sorgi takes a clipboard along on his vacation.

Week 7 @ St. Louis

An announcer finally gets Ray Rychelski's name right.
A Stampede Blue commenter confuses Rams running back Steven Jackson with former Pacers forward Stephen Jackson, leading to a barrage of unnecessary NBA-bashing.
Jeff Saturday snaps the Gateway Arch, mistaking it for the wishbone of a gigantic, steel turkey.

Week 8 vs. San Francisco

Alex Smith tries to convince Peyton Manning that he too was a #1 overall draft pick. Peyton doesn't buy it.
Austin Collie has his best game as a rookie thanks to eating an extra bowl of Froot Loops before the game.
Someone mentions that this is the first time the 49ers have come to Indy since the infamous "Playoffs?" game, just so they can link to the video I just linked to in this sentence.

Week 9 vs. Houston

Webster's adds the word "Rosenchoppa" to the dictionary.
Roger Goodell shoots down Peyton Manning's request to give the Texans a 28 point lead to start the game, just to see if he can make it back by the end of the first quarter.
Reggie Wayne and Andre Johnson come out of the locker room wearing their Miami Hurricanes gear, confusing both teams throughout warm-ups.

Week 10 vs. New England

USA Today devotes an entire section of the paper to the Manning vs. Brady debate.
Bill Belichick shakes Jim Caldwell's hand after game, saying "Boy Tony, you sure have gained some weight this off-season."
Jacob Tamme starts the game slow after playing Guitar Hero 5 all night long.

Week 11 @ Baltimore

CBS passes down a mandate to the announcers that they must clarify that John Harbaugh isn't Jim Harbaugh at least once per quarter.
Ray Lewis soils himself after Peyton tells him telepathically that he can read his mind.
Donald Brown is forced to get on the team bus wearing Blue's mascot uniform after the rest of the team steals his clothing from the hotel.

Week 12 @ Houston

Kelvin Hayden completes his shoe collection after buying a pair of game-worn Tony Dungy shoes.
Robert Mathis confesses that he never looks at the names on the back of uniforms and up until that weekend, he still thought David Carr was still Houston's quarterback.
Jake's fantasy team - Sack One, Get One Freeney - drops to 0-12.

Week 13 vs. Tennessee

Gary Brackett refutes reports that he amps himself up before games by listening to Tony Bennett.
Pat McAfee unleashes a 60+ yard punt, then manages to trip and fall on his face walking back to the sideline.
NFL.com calls the game a "Colorful match-up" after Donald Brown and Lendale White each run for 100 yards.

Week 14 vs. Denver

After Kyle Orton's 4th interception, Josh McDaniels finally starts re-thinking the Jay Cutler trade.
In keeping with Denver tradition, Peyton abuses Denver's defense by throwing to whomever Champ Bailey isn't covering.
Brandon Marshall orders a custon Colts jersey with his name and number on it, hoping that the Colts would think that he had been traded to Indy.

Week 15 @ Jacksonville

In an attempt to bring more people to the game, Roger Goodell threatens to black out Madden NFL 10 in the Jacksonville area if the game doesn't sell out. If you don't think that he has that power, you'd be wrong.
David Garrard throws a pair of interceptions. Despite that, no one in Jacksonville misses Byron Leftwich.
Troy Williamson sets a record by managing to drop the same pass three times.

Week 16 vs. New York Jets

Peyton gives Mark Sanchez advice on how to get through his rookie season. Mark wishes he had come to him with advice 15 games and 33 interceptions ago.
Gary Brackett faints once he realizes that he's been selected to the Pro Bowl.
Thomas Jones tries to remind himself that he was playing in the Super Bowl just three years ago.

Week 17 @ Buffalo

Jim Sorgi creates a fantasy football controversy when he throws for 4 touchdowns in garbage time.
Facing single-digit temperatures, Terrell Owens refuses to take the field unless he can keep his coat on while he plays.
Jerraud Powers confesses that since he grew up in Alabama, he's never seen snow. Justin Snow waits until he gets home to cry himself to sleep.

2 recs | Comment 11 comments

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Comments

Awesome as usual, Jake.

Especially this (considering the recent debate):

Brandon Marshall orders a custon Colts jersey with his name and number on it, hoping that the Colts would think that he had been traded to Indy.

Nice.

Perhaps Edge will try to sneak back to Indy with the team as well….

"I throw, you catch. It's NOT that hard!"
Peyton Manning, SNL, 2007

by peytonsthebest on Sep 11, 2009 12:43 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Nice work

The density of SBUX outlets here in Seattle is dumfounding to this non-coffee-drinker. My office building alone has three on the same floor. And when all I want is a bagel at 9 am, they all have long lines of people ordering things too complicated for the Supreme Court to figure out. Hasselback probably has two in his HOUSE. I live on a relatively small island (22,000 pop) and we have at least four, more if you count the locations set-up inside grocery stores.

Will Emmitt Smith ever stop being a punchline? No? Didn’t think so.

Ray Lewis soils himself. Love it.

I hate Joe Namath. That's how long I've been a Colts fan.

by Bobman on Sep 11, 2009 12:44 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Hilarious, Jake

But I think Belichick would ask “Tony” about his tan than his weight gain. lol

Do I believe in aliens?" Stephon Marbury asked. "I don't know, because I've never seen one. But I believe in Jesus because I saw him in the shower the other day."

by KMR24 on Sep 11, 2009 1:18 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs