Daniel Muir caught moonlighting, ordered to return Miller High Life cases to their rightful owners

 
Daniel Muir in his Colts uniform...

... and in the togs of his alter-ego: Miller High Life Guy.

In the football season, he was known for stuffing runs and being stalwart on the defensive line for the Indianapolis Colts. Away from the field, however, Daniel Muir led another life.

INDIANAPOLIS - (April 1) Seeking to remedy what he called "unfair profiteering" by resellers of the popular beer-flavored bottled and canned water drink "Miller High Life", Indianapolis Defensive Tackle Daniel Muir mounted a private campaign to reclaim the beverage for more budget-minded consumers. Donning a Miller Brewing Company outfit, Muir spent many evenings going to toney bars, exclusive dance clubs, and high-priced hotel bars and catering offices pretending to reclaim their stock of Miller High Life while telling those resellers that he planned to take the product to "honest" bars who would not charge massively inflated prices.

However, news of the activities eventually prompted the Miller Brewing Company in Golden Colorado to mount an investigation into the mysterious, yet hip and gregarious delivery man who'd leave resellers and their patrons bewildered at first, but feeling blessed and happy in the end.

"I was insulted at first, " said Hans "Man Hans" Manfried of the German postmodern themed club "Gears" ("A parody of 'Sprockets", Manfied boasted), "but his was such a jolly, happy demeanor that I could not help but smile at the act." Manfried's club was visited by Muir late last November during the "Ocktober-Pfffft!!-NOVEMBER Fest" (sic) held at Gears, and approximately 10 cases of Miller High Life were abducted by Muir and his cohorts. While several club patrons were said to have been puzzled at the very public act of wheeling dollies stacked with Miller cases through the dance floor instead of out the delivery door, the majority of Gears patrons were reported to have pointed their noses collectively in the air while loudly proclaiming the superiority of Heineken in faux-German accents.

Similar scenes were reported at other luxury and ultrahip venues, such as Posh Vegas, IT, the midwest brach of King Tut's Wah Wah Hut, and the like. Serial club hopper Nycki Silvestra ("I'm, like, the Paris Hilton of the Midwest... 'cept not blonde... or bone-skinny... and not as vapid, you know... I'm not just hot, I'm fabulous...") spoke highly of Muir's reclamations, which she witnessed 3 times in one night at different venues. "You know, he's reahlly, reahlly doing good for the people. I mean, like, someone giving beer to the poor bars is, like, social justice, you know, and God bless him for doing it." 

Another perpetual clubist, Ron "The Mon" Duvallier, piped in with his own affirmation. Speaking winningly in his rich Carribean patois, Duvallier praised Muir, saying "The mon is doing de righteous thing. You stick up, and you own up, and you do it for good. Cheap beer to poor people, dat's what I say, mon. The Miller dood has stood up for de little people. Dat is righteous, I say."

Unfortunately for Muir, the Miller Brewing company turned a sour eye towards "reclaimations" being done in their name, but without their sanction. Said Miller company spokesman Johnson Richards, "Muir's acts were not fair or Robin-Hood-esque ones saving been 'for the little guy', but instead were acts of anarchy harming clubs and driving up prices for the very little guy Muir sought to defend". The US Disctrict Court of Colorado validated an out-of-trial settlement negotiated between Miller and Muir's lawyers where Muir would give up his uniform, his counterfeit delivery truck, any article of clothing with the Miller Brewing Company logo, and return all confiscated cases of beer to the origial purchaser in exchange for the lawsuit being dropped. A further stipulation was that Miller's resellers would no longer be implicated as "snobby, snooty, (and) pretentious" destinations.

What's next for Muir? His lawyers would not say. However, sources close to the Indianapolis Colts say that some players closest to Muir have been discussing other brewing companies products, one of them going so far as to state that, quote, "Budweiser's ripe for a reclamation". Muir was not personally available for comment.