FanPost

Who The Hell Will They Draft? New York DT Stay Puft Marshmallow Man

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Stay Puft Marshmallow Man (SPMM) holds the record for simultaneous number of people brought down in one tackle 

While Indianapolis normally looks for smaller, quicker linesmen to play the Colts style of football, occasionally a prospect comes along who's characteristics are impossible to ignore. The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man (SPMM for short) is one such prospect. At over 100', 12,530 tons, only rivaled in mass and general build by Terrence Cody (with Cody being rumored to be more plush in the abdomen), SPMM is a prime prospect for teams seeking a franchise nose- or undertackle to anchor their defensive line. Although at first glance, he seems to fit the criteria for a 3-4 nose tackle - takes up multiple linesmen, huge, immobile, no one caring if he displays any lateral agility whatsoever - he's an intriguing possibility for the Colts in that he would not only fill both the under- and 3-tech tackle positions simultaneously, but he would also spread out to both defensive ends and become a mass that no team could run through, around, or over. With SPMM in the mix, Indianapolis could field 10 defensive backs, and could count on using lower drafted talent since no QB in the NFL posseses the height to pass over him - hell, no center in the NBA posseses that height! - and his presence on the field would force opposing teams to move the ball by employing their punter in the QB position.

No scouting reports of SPMM by NFL scouts exist, most likely due to the fact that he's never played a down of football, ever. What little we know has been said by other witnesses to his size and prowess. New York Ghostbuster Winston Zeddemore:

If someone asks if you are a god, you say, "yes!"

We believe that has something to do with the topic of SPMM, but have yet to get in contact with Zeddemore for confirmation.

Another New York Ghostbuster, Peter Venkman:

We've been going about this all wrong. This Mr. Stay Puft's okay! He's a sailor, he's in New York; we get this guy laid, we won't have any trouble!

Contrary to popular belief, that statement wasn't made during a college recruiting trip.

While this prospect is not rated to go in any round in the draft - and in fact, has not done so since 1984 - news on the street is that the New York Jets is considering picking him up, not as a player, but as a sideline substitute for when Rex Ryan needs to go to the bathroom.

SPMM is the sort of prospect who could not only stuff the middle, but both ends, the sidelines, the spectators seats all the way up to the luxury boxes, and most of Indianapolis from just south of Keystone at the Crossing up north, to just east of Broad Ripple, to just west of Shadeland, and just north of the I465/US 37 interchange. The possibilities of his technique are endless; no Dwight Freeney spin move would be needed to sack the quarterback, all SPMM would have to do is fall forward. And on special teams, he could function as a field goal blocker.

No one knows what sort of player SPMM could ultimately develop in to, but his tangibles (not intangibles, his tangibles) - his 10 storey height, freight-train weight, etc. - are enough to cause a paradigmatic shift for any defense who drafts him, and any offense who faces him. As a defensive line prospect (as in, the entire defensive line, not just one position), SPMM could wear the Colts blue and white and solve many problems on defense, including the ones nobody knew they had. The drawbacks: Parking spot and locker room space. Perhaps the site of the former RCA Dome can be converted for that.

This is a FanPost and does not necessarily reflect the views of Stampede Blue's writers or editors. It does reflect the views of this particular fan though, which is as important as the views of Stampede Blue's writers or editors.

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