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Know Your Colts History: Don't tase me bro!

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This week, one of the hot topics of discussion has been whether or not it was appropriate for Phillies' security to use a taser to stop a fan who had run out onto the field during a game.  Unlike most fans who make a mockery of themselves as soon as they hit the ground running, this fan was 17.  Because he was so young, he still had some athleticism, which made it much more difficult to catch him and prompted the use of the taser.  

Years from now we could look back on this misguided fan as the first in a new breed of more athletic, elusive fans that will create more headaches for event security.  As the desire to evade security for longer to get more exposure increases, we could one day reach the point where fans who run on the field train like the athletes already on playing field.  This got me thinking, if our finest athletes were put to the test, which one would be able to avoid security at Citizens Bank Park the longest?

Star-divide

Peyton Manning: He lacks the speed and agility that the other players on the team possess, but security personnel wouldn't use the same capture techniques.  They would probably try to use an elaborate net system to capture Peyton, in the hopes that they could force him to suit up for the Eagles.  Problem is, once security turns catching Peyton into a mind game, they're basically gift-wrapping the advantage and putting it right in Peyton's hands.  Of course, they wouldn't be doing that if Peyton wasn't already playing them like keys on a xylophone.

Pierre Garçon: Pierre's combination of speed, agility and strength give him the best chance of avoiding security, but would he be able to go on after getting tasered?  As Reggie Williams would probably tell him, it's all fun and games until you get zapped.

Ray Fisher: Mr. Fiery Rash is the Colts' new hope for a better return game in the 2010 season.  And as Marquis Weeks reminds us, returning kicks is just like running from the cops.  So despite being a rookie, Ray has more experience in this area than anyone else on the team.

Robert Mathis: Unlike everyone else on this list, Robert would actually seek out the security personnel and try to take them down, which adds an odd dynamic to the chase which would make it more difficult to take him down.  Would you want to chase after someone like this?

Super Bowl XLI: Indianapolis Colts v Chicago Bears

Bob Sanders: Bob's skin is a composite of granite and iron, mixed with a little bit of poisonous venom, just for the fun of it.  His skin keeps security guards from pursuing him and it doesn't conduct electricity, so in other words, Bob can basically go where he wants and do what he wants whenever he feels like it.  But you already knew that.

Poll
Which Colt could evade security for the longest amount of time at Citizens Bank Park?
Peyton Manning
53 votes
Pierre Garcon
258 votes
Ray Fisher
117 votes
Robert Mathis
36 votes
Bob Sanders
153 votes

617 votes | Poll has closed

Comment 35 comments  |  3 recs  | 

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Bobzilla will hunt you down as well...

Only problem is he’ll probably tear a bicep after throwing the security guards back into the stands.

"I shall not fear. Fear is the Mind killer. Fear is the little death that leads to total obliteration. I will face my fear and let it pass through me. When the fear is gone, there shall be nothing. Only I shall remain."

-Frank Herbert "Dune" (1965)

by Jamkel on May 8, 2010 10:09 AM EDT reply actions  

Hmmm

I’m pretty sure that if security couldn’t get them, the Philly fans would. Especially if the Phillies are losing.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
Napoleon Bonaparte

Stampede Blue's Resident Steelers Fan

"[T]he Steelers have been evil pieces of crap for a long time who play dirty and seek to injure their opponents, and one day there will be a reckoning."
FriarBob

Can't you just feel the love?

Cornell University Class of 2014

by LV Steelers Fan on May 8, 2010 10:24 AM EDT reply actions  

Mathis.

"It's the greatest job in the world until Peyton comes off the field and you think his thumb might be broken and there's three minutes left in the AFC Championship Game and you're down by three to New England and you haven't taken a snap all year. Yeah, it's a great job until that point." - Jim Sorgi

by gizzardfanny on May 8, 2010 10:25 AM EDT reply actions  

Bob Sanders can't be tased.

I don’t believe a taser would work on Bob Sanders. It would simply bounce off his skin.

by Celpro on May 8, 2010 10:25 AM EDT reply actions  

Actually

Bobzilla would just stand there. And the guy holding the tazer would spasm and fall. ;)

------

"How can a pickup truck contain enough mass to unfold into a towering machine? I say if Ringling Brothers can get 15 clowns into a Volkswagen, anything is possible."

Roger Ebert, Transformers review.

by E.M.H. on May 8, 2010 11:40 AM EDT via mobile up reply actions  

And then Bob would get injured walking away

/Boooooooooooooooo

Insert Clever Statement Here

by MrNFL on May 8, 2010 2:23 PM EDT up reply actions  

+21

How can you not love a team that does this?

by LovinBlue on May 8, 2010 5:58 PM EDT up reply actions  

you don't catch bob sanders

bob sanders catches you.

"I'm pretty sure my cats been reading my diary"

by skywalker on May 8, 2010 10:27 AM EDT reply actions   1 recs

I never tire of the flying Mathis

pics. Full of win.

"I throw, you catch. It's NOT that hard!"
Peyton Manning, SNL, 2007

by peytonsthebest on May 8, 2010 11:41 AM EDT reply actions  

Idea for a new poll -

If you had to pick one – would you rather:

(a) be tased by Payton; or

(b) get a forearm shiver up side the head by Mike Curtis?

If you pick (b), click on the following link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HdP2G7UtS9I

by MadStork on May 8, 2010 11:58 AM EDT reply actions  

-10 for "Payton"

Luck is probability taken personally, clutch is probability attributed to individuals.
Just how deeply can your senses be wrong? With some VR goggles, a camera and a touch on the back researchers were able to overcome a person's sense of being inside their own body.

by shake n bake on May 8, 2010 12:06 PM EDT up reply actions  

The player that mike curtis jacked up, got “met” by him.

by torontocoltsfan on May 9, 2010 9:43 PM EDT up reply actions  

Cue the facepalm pic.

by AbroadColtsFan on May 8, 2010 12:33 PM EDT via mobile up reply actions  

/slow head shake

"I am in favor of censorship ‐ not against what is supposed to be sexy or dirty, but against what is idiotic." -Jean Renoir

Random fact of the week from the empty void that is my mind: Finals suck.

by Cassieper on May 11, 2010 4:36 AM EDT up reply actions  

Sanders would just attack anyone chasing him…. It would be great =)

by FenixL on May 8, 2010 12:51 PM EDT reply actions  

At this point in the poll...

Peyton has more votes than Mathis. I love Peyton; but let’s be honest here: faster than Mathis? Seriously?

"'Tis the time's plague when madmen lead the blind."

by Rube on May 8, 2010 2:23 PM EDT reply actions  

A picture of Unitas should not be on here. He is Baltimore history, not Indy history.

You have to hate losing more than you love winning.

by Mr MaLoR on May 8, 2010 2:50 PM EDT reply actions  

there is no Indy in Baltimore Colts History!
  1. never went to Indy purposely.

"We don't report the murders just the beatings!"

by Purplebird on May 8, 2010 6:05 PM EDT up reply actions  

#19 never went to Indy purposely

"We don't report the murders just the beatings!"

by Purplebird on May 8, 2010 6:06 PM EDT up reply actions  

yet

a player like Raymond Barry did. I personally think he would have come to grips with it had he not passed away. As I recall, he was very found of a certain Colt who wear’s a number, one below his.

He wore the blue and the white with the horseshoe on the side of his helmet. That makes him a Colt and for that, I will tie him in with all the former players of the past with todays present team.

by metal_militia on May 9, 2010 8:30 PM EDT up reply actions  

Blah blah blah

We’re still upset about Mayflower trucks blah blah blah

Get over it

Love learning, hate studying

by trOOly on May 8, 2010 4:06 PM EDT up reply actions  

The Colts franchise used to be in Baltimore.

Now, the Colts franchise is in Indianapolis.

It’s not about Baltimore. It’s not about Indianapolis.

It’s about the Colts franchise.

A great organization with ties to both cities… history we share in but do not own… Baltimore doesn’t own it, Indy doesn’t own it… the Colts organization owns it.

Careful what you wish for... a government big enough to give you everything you want is a government big enough to take everything you have.

by teej813 on May 8, 2010 6:31 PM EDT up reply actions  

haha

“We stole our team from Cleveland but its ok because its our team. The Colts leaving Baltimore is not ok!”

insert signature here

by JustAJ on May 9, 2010 6:03 PM EDT up reply actions  

Who cares?

"I am in favor of censorship ‐ not against what is supposed to be sexy or dirty, but against what is idiotic." -Jean Renoir

Random fact of the week from the empty void that is my mind: Finals suck.

by Cassieper on May 11, 2010 4:37 AM EDT up reply actions  

I have been tased 4 times...

it is not that bad, after the 5 second cycle you feel no ill effects, it is like it never happened. And no I am not a criminal I work in law enforcement.

Back when I was picking beans in Guatemala, we used to make fresh coffee, right off the trees I mean. That was good. This is shit but, hey, I'm in a police station.

by TouchdownColts on May 8, 2010 3:36 PM EDT reply actions  

As a tech dummy?

Love learning, hate studying

by trOOly on May 8, 2010 4:06 PM EDT up reply actions  

For certification

You have to get exposed to it in order to get certified and be able to carry and use one.

Back when I was picking beans in Guatemala, we used to make fresh coffee, right off the trees I mean. That was good. This is shit but, hey, I'm in a police station.

by TouchdownColts on May 8, 2010 4:14 PM EDT up reply actions  

Would you please tase Mike Golic?

he makes me crazy

Careful what you wish for... a government big enough to give you everything you want is a government big enough to take everything you have.

by teej813 on May 8, 2010 5:31 PM EDT up reply actions  

Would love to, I can't stand the guy.

Back when I was picking beans in Guatemala, we used to make fresh coffee, right off the trees I mean. That was good. This is shit but, hey, I'm in a police station.

by TouchdownColts on May 8, 2010 8:26 PM EDT up reply actions  

Getting back to the original post....

As Moe Sizlak once said, we need our machine guns. How else are we gonna hunt the new super-animals… like the flying squirrel?

JTS’s initial theory about new, super-athletic a-holes storming the fields reminded me of this old Simpsons line….

I hate Joe Namath. That's how long I've been a Colts fan.

by Bobman on May 8, 2010 11:36 PM EDT reply actions  

Rec'd

Very well put. This article is perfect and tears-down-the-face funny.

by coltsfoot85 on May 9, 2010 6:24 PM EDT reply actions  

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