Mocking The 2013 Stampede Blue Community Mock Draft

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Brad Wells mocks the mockers.

Let me start this off with a cheap disclaimer: There are no "winners" and "losers" when critiquing a mock draft. All of you made solid, rational, non-douchebag picks for the teams you represented. So, when it comes to me making a somewhat-parody post that breaks down your selections, it's important that you NOT TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY!!!

Like, at all.

The fact that so many of you participated and put so much thought into the community mock is impressive. In fact, it was a bit inspiring. Thank you all for donating your time to our little blog.

That said, get ready for Brad's breakdown of your picks. My criteria was simple: Mock general managers had to make logical picks that maximized value while tossing in a dash of creativity. Obviously, I could not grade all the picks, so if the team you represented is not reflected below, at worst you got was a "B" in my mind. For this breakdown, I placed three teams into the three categories I use for my Mock Draft Friday series:

Accurate, Interesting, and WTF?

The results of the entire mock draft are available here. My thoughts are below:

ACCURATE

(a.k.a., this is as close to how a real team drafts as one can get)

Cincinnati Bengals

G.M.: Peter Storgaard

Selections:

21) Arthur Brown, ILB

37) D.J. Fluker, OT

53) Giovani Bernard, RB

84) Baccari Rambo, S

Comments: The actual Bengals are right on the cusp of breaking out and becoming an elite team. Even though their owner Mike Brown is a complete cheapskate, a draft as thorough as the one executed by Peter would probably be enough to get them past the Ravens in 2013. Every pick here meets the criteria of value, logic, and creativity. The Fluker pick alone is impressive enough. How did a quality lineman like that fall?

Were the rest of the mock G.M.s too busy stuffing their faces with pot brownies that they forgot to notice Fluker's 300 lb. butt was still sitting on the draft board?

The Giovani Bernard pick is also a great. Cincy is in desperate need of a running game, and after Eddie Lacy, many scouts and draftniks I've spoken to love Bernard.

Philadelphia Eagles

G.M.: Chapman Will Hug You

Selections:

4) Eric Fisher, OT

35) E.J. Manuel, QB

67) Phillip Thomas, FS

Comments: Many think Fisher is the best player in this year's draft. So, for him to fall to Philly, and for Chapman Will Hug You to snatch him up, is a mini-coup. The E.J. Manuel pick is very smart too. Chip Kelly wants to run an up-tempo offense that utilizes a mobile quarterback. Yes, Philly still has Mike Vick, but he's now more of a temporary patch than a franchise quarterback. When Vick gets hurt in 2013 (and yes, he will), Manuel can step in and develop within Kelly's offense.

Of course, if you are the G.M. and you draft Manuel, you have to find some way to trade Nick Foles. Having three QBs of that caliber on one team is not cost effective under the cap. Still, these were great selections that I could see the real Eagles making in two weeks.

Pittsburgh Steelers

G.M.: BigBlackRichard

Selections:

17) Cordarrelle Patterson, WR

48) Justin Pugh, OG

79) Corey Lemonier, OLB

Comments: If BigBlackRichard were the real Steelers G.M., I'd take this moment to laugh in his face for all the bungling he's done with Pittsburgh's roster in recent years. Playing hardball with Mike Wallace last year, letting Emmanuel Sanders get signed to an offer sheet by the Patriots, and the complete clusterf*ck that is the Steelers cap situation all point to a significant period of "roster adjustment" in Steel Town.

That's a nice way of saying the Steelers are going to suck for a few years.

However, if BigBlackRichard responded to my barbed critiques with a draft like this one, I would be forced to slink my way into the nearest corner, stick my thumb in my mouth, and begin reciting my multiplication tables.

Patterson is a great option to replenish a decimated receiving corps, and landing Pugh at No. 48 is stupid good. SERIOUSLY MOCKERS! WHY ARE GOOD LINEMEN FALLING INTO THE SECOND ROUND!!!

With James Harrison gone, Corey Lemonier at 79 makes all the sense in the world. I honestly hope the Steelers aren't as sharp in the real draft as BigBlackRichard was in this one.


INTERESTING

(a.k.a., selections that made me stop and go "hmmmmmmmm" before realizing that I'd left the burner on in the kitchen and half my house is engulfed in flames)

Oakland Raiders

G.M.: BigBlueDawg

Selections:

3) Star Lotulelei, DT

66) Matt Barkley, QB

Comments: How the hell does Matt Barkley fall to pick No. 66? I remember last year this time, and people on this very blog were yelling at me with total and complete conviction that Barkley was better than Andrew Luck. Now, we have him mocked in the third round? TO THE RAIDERS?

I almost placed this in the "accurate" category. For Oakland to land two talented players like Lotulelei and Barkley means the G.M. did his-her homework. However, it's the Raiders and they suck. Thus, realistically, they'd never make picks as excellent as these two.

St. Louis Rams

G.M.: There's Always Money In The Banana Stand

Selections:

16) Tavon Austin, WR

22) Johnathan Cyprien, S

46) Eddie Lacy, RB

78) Jamie Collins, OLB

Comments: I hate the Rams G.M. for making these picks. Yes, I hate you. HATE! H-A-T-E.

How is Jim Harbaugh supposed to return to the Super Bowl as coach of the 49ers and then lose to Andrew Luck and the Colts next year if you are making picks like these for the Rams, There's Always Money In The Banana Stand?

Huh? Answer me! How?

I mean, replacing old Stephen Jackson with young Eddie Lacy? Providing Jeff Fisher a quality safety in Cyprien? Giving Bradford someone like Austin to throw the football to off play-action?

I don't think we can be friends anymore, There's Always Money In The Banana Stand. I honestly think that you actually TRIED to make logical picks for this Rams franchise, and you are - whether knowingly or not - attempting to destroy my dream Super Bowl scenario for 2014. If you need me, I'll be in my bedroom, weeping softly into my pillow.

New England Patriots

G.M.: Marc Carlsson

Selections:

29) Robert Woods, WR

59) Tyrann Mathieu, CB

91) Marcus Lattimore, RB

Comments: Well OF COURSE Honey Badger gets mocked to the Patriots! I mean, why wouldn't they take him? Why wouldn't the toxic stew of football filth that brews in New England draft a fast, play-making defensive back that has smoked more weed in three years of college than Randy Moss has his entire life!

And Lattimore too? SURE! He broke his leg, but he'll come back and run for 1,400 yards his rookie year while the rest of us are subjected to feel-good stories on ESPN that involve Tedy Bruschi interviewing Lattimore and that smiling, smug prick Tom Brady!

OH YEAH! And let's top it all off by drafting Woods, and thus giving Tom Brady the trio of Robert Woods, Emmanuel Sanders (maybe) and Danny Amendola to throw the ball to next year.

[Finds nearest cute puppy, and kicks it]


WTF?

(a.k.a., I don't understand these picks, which means your mock draft intelligence is on a high plane than mine because I'm a simpleton who just simply "doesn't get" your genius)

Arizona Cardinals

G.M.: Atomican

Selections:

7) Chance Warmack, OG

38) Damontre Moore, DE

69) Mike Glennon, QB

Comments: I don't care that last year's Cardinals offensive line resembled a red cape waved in front of a charging bull... you passed on quarterback Geno Smith to take a guard?

If Bill Polian were in the room with you and your family right now, he'd slap your mother.

Yes, I know Carson Palmer and Drew Stanton are both in the desert with Bruce Arians, but if Geno Smith falls to 'Zona at No. 7, they will take take. If it happens in the real draft, the monolithic spire emerging from the Arizona dunes isn't a sand worm. It's Bruce Arians' hard-on at the thought of having Smith, Palmer, and Stanton in his quarterback meeting room.

Now that I've conjured up images in your mind of sand worms, Bruce Arians, and an erection, I'll quit while I'm ahead (zing!).

Baltimore Ravens

G.M.: Community consensus

Selections:

32) Manti Te'o, ILB

62) Justin Hunter, WR

94) Brian Schwenke, C

Comments: Replacing an old, slow, dishonest, over-hyped middle linebacker with a young, slow, dishonest, over-hyped middle linebacker.

Sigh.

Jesus. Te'o annoys the sh*t out of me.

You know what god is going to do to me? This is what she'll do... she'll take over Ryan Grigson's body in the middle of the draft and make the Colts take Te'o at No. 24. This will force me to stand-up in the middle of Radio City Music Hall - in front of all the national media - and scream, "WHAT THE F*CK IS THIS BULLSH*T!!!" I'll then throw my laptop onto the stage. It will ricochet off the floor, smack Roger Goodell in the head, and give him a concussion.

And while the police are hauling me away in handcuffs and soaking my eyeballs in pepper spray, Matt Grecco will be home, sitting back comfortably in his leather desk chair with his loyal cat resting in his lap and a glass of port in his right hand. He'll take a sip of his port, and then whisper quietly to himself as a sleek, sinister grin stretches across his face, "It is complete."

New York Jets

G.M.: ArunK

Selections:

9) Geno Smith, QB

39) Matt Elam, S

72) Jonathan Franklin, RB

Comments: So, the consensus pick while ArunK was late for the start of the mock draft was for the New York Jets to draft Geno Smith even though they have Mark Sanchez still signed to a ridiculous extension and Tim Tebow is his "back-up."

.

.

.

On second thought, never mind. This pick is absolute genius.


FAVORITE PICK

Geno Smith to the New York Jets at No. 9

I so want this to happen in the actual draft. Can you imagine how crazy Jets fans will react? Ed Werder would be camped out in front of Tim Tebow's house, begging on his hands and knees for his immediate reaction. I guarantee you we would have an ESPN segment talking about how all three could totally coexist on the same team next year, and how the Jets could scheme plays that would allow all three on the field AT THE SAME TIME!

It's just too awesome to deny to us.

Honorable Mention

Matt Barkley to the Raiders at pick No. 66

If the Raiders manage to land Barkley at No. 66, they'd be well on their way to undoing the mess that Al Davis created in recent years. This was just the right pick at the right time for the right player.


BEST GENERAL MANAGER

Evan Sidery, Indianapolis Colts

Who the hell else did you think I was going to put here? Evan had been bothering me for weeks about a community mock draft. Me being the old, cynical asshat that I am made me skeptical. "We've seen enough mocks. I'm mocked out." Yet, he persisted until I relented.

Evan did a fine job coordinating the actual draft, and he should be applauded for his efforts.

As for his picks, if Ryan Grigson took Tank Carradine and Le'Veon Bell, I'd have no issues. Those were two good picks considering how the mock was shook out. Would I have picked different players? Yes, but that doesn't make me "right" or Evan "wrong." He did a great job overseeing the entire mock AND his Colts picks were very good. Major props.

Honorable Mention

TheFreakSFG

Without anyone asking, TheFreakSFG created a Google Drive spreadsheet and tracked every single pick LIVE as the draft happened. This is six hours, people!

Thank you very much to TheFreakSFG for doing that. The draft would not have been as much fun without that spreadsheet.

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