I should preface this by saying this is purely for fun. Please don’t read it then post an A-hole comment at the end stating it’s not scientific or based on stats. I already know that.
What is name theory? Name theory is a purely subjective way of analyzing a team’s draft without me having to do any real work and study any film. By using the players name and position, I can subjectively predict future success at the same high level of NFL draft pundits such as Mel Kiper and Todd McShay (I.E., fail miserably). Now just because a guy has a bad-ass sounding name, it doesn’t necessarily mean he will do well in my name theory. A classic example this year is Rambo. Sounds awesome, but you’re thinking of Rambo 4. Remember, in Rambo the guy was basically just a mentally deranged terrorist. Not a good pick. But lots of weak names are also doomed to failure. Remember Jacques McClendon? French name = fail. Coby Fleenery and Brody Eldridge? Coby and Brody sound like DB names to me = failure.
My method has two significant advantages over traditional pundits. 1.) It’s more enjoyable for me, and 2.) It takes about 10 minutes as opposed to 1,000s of hours studying game film. So to give you a better idea of my methods, we will take a look at recent previous 1st round Colt’s picks before diving into this years draft. Remember, this is an unexact (non)science using name references, rhymes, nicknames, and some basic Colts draft strategy.
I figured I’d start from 2006, when the Colts drafts all started to go (obviously) wrong.
2006 – Joseph Addai. We picked a running back with “die” in his name, obviously this is not good. Name theory held true as we got two very good years (the AD) before he immediately became one of the worst RBs in the league (the die).
2007 – Anthony Gonzalez – Good name, wrong position. If Anthony had been a TE, this would have been a terrific pick, but as a WR it just wasn’t quite a good fit.
2007 – Tony Ugoh – FAIL. We picked a guy named after the car that is a laughing stock the world over. His name is synonymous with broken down junk. Enough said.
2008 – Mike Pollack – FAIL. Once again, we picked a guy whose name is (a racist and completely unendorsed by me) a joke.
2009 – Donald Brown – (Does Polian not learn?!?!?) Seriously? Donald Brown? What’s been brown have been the stains left on the field. A boring name with obvious potty references, doomed to failure.
2010 – Jerry Hughes – Colt’s shouldn’t draft Hughes’. Period. They all fail.
2011 – Anthony Costanzo – Now we’re getting somewhere. Good trenches name. Can be said in a fun Italian accent.
2012 – Andrew Luck – Hells to the yeah, the guy’s name is Luck. It says it all.
Enough rambling about the past, let’s get on to this year’s haul!
Bjorn Werner – This is a fantastic pick. Immediately you can hear Bjorn from “ABBA” singing “Take a chance.” That’s a good start. His name is synonymous with “the number one brand in professional climbing equipment.” He’s the Germanator, if he has a multi-sack game the opposing QB will be Bjorn Again (I can imagine the GIF of him standing over a recently destroyed QB with Bjorn Again on it), he can lay down some Bjorn Supremacy or Ultimatums. Grade A+
Hugh Thornton – We shouldn’t draft Hugh or Hughes’. Daymeion Hughes and Jerry Hughes are finally off the team, we shouldn’t be finding replacements. However, it is bastardization on Hughes, so there is a chance he could pull through, and “Thorn”ton is a solid name of a lineman. Sounds tough. Grade C+
Khaled Holmes – This names just sounds a bit weak sauce to me. Grade C
Montori Hughes – Seriously? A full blown Hughes? Only good thing is this guy is so big we had to get rid of two Hughes’ already on the roster to accommodate him. Grade F
John Boyett – John Boy. I like it, especially for a safety. It’s like a mixture of John Boy and Rocket. Also lends itself well to alliteration (which is always good in football) – “he was blown-up by Boyett” Grade B+
Kerwynn Williams – How do I feel about this pick? Let’s ask Kerwynn Williams. I feel like his first name is just two last names stuck together, but he sounds fast. When I ask myself who I would rather see coming out of the backfield (based on who sounds like they’ll do better), Kerwynn or Donald, I go with Kerwynn in a heartbeat. Grade B+
Justice Cunningham – We need some justice in town, cause our last sheriff (according to Gruden) joined up with the Broncos last year. Can he “Marshall” the troops, especially in goal line and short yardage situations? It remains to be seen, but justice is a very solid name for a blocking TE. Grade B+
There are also a couple undrafted FA signings who will obviously be stars in this league:
Dan Moore – Nothing is as white-bread and fullback sounding as Dan Moore. We don’t want FBs to have fancy names and egos! We want them eating large buffets and chipping in to do whatever it takes to win. Dan Moore is the perfect name for this.
Rodrick Rumble – Are you ready to ruuuuummmmmmmble? I am! Not to mention his names both start with the same letter (usually good) and the letter is R (definitely good). So R2 is ready to shine and “rumble” for those YAC. Only disappointing thing is he should be a RB.
C.O. Prime. – Wow. This name just screams star. No first name, just initials. Always a good sign (thanks TY). His initials are COP (a LB laying down the law), and we haven’t even gotten to the good part of his name. Yes, Optimus is ready to take the NFL by storm and start destroying some Deceptipats.
So in review, I think I’d give the Colts draft a B+, bolstered by a game-changing first round pick and some undeniable undrafted FA talent.