CQ Noble always thought Rex Grossman was tougher than he was given credit for.
We all know that most personal opinions regarding hypothetical situations and political topics isn't relevant to Colts or NFL news at all. Quite frankly everybody has an opinion about everything and nobody actually cares what anyone else thinks unless they happen to agree with that opinion. Regardless of this well known fact, sports media continues to ask these hand hitting question that matter mostly only to football fans who also really enjoy musical theatre.
So it was no surprise during a recent episode of NFL Live, ESPN's own Chris Mortonsen asked Stampede Blue member CQ Noble what he thought about the idea that there may be gay players counting against the Colts cap number.
CQ's shocking response:
Do I care if any Colts players are a little light in the loafers? Is that what you're asking me? Let me tell ya Mort, I really hope all 53 guys who make the final roster, list The Birdcage as their favorite movie and Project Runway as their favorite TV program. I hope they're all gayer than Cam and Mitchell from that modern families show. Matter a fact, I'd like the team that much more if they all took a road trip to Massachusetts to tie the knot... with each other.
Things got even weirder when Mortensen pressed our own CQ Noble to expand on why he felt this way:
Are you askin' me why I'd want 53 gay men running around wearing white spandex pants and then showering together after the game? Is that what you're asking me? Well I'll tell you.
Number one, have you seen pictures of the inside of our boys locker room? Am I the only one who thinks some curtains are in order? Maybe a couple throw pillows here and there, and some fresh cut flowers in everyone's locker a few times a week and it'll really lighten the mood.
Number two, have you seen the abs on a lotta those guys? It seems like every guy I see in great shape at the gym is poundin it out in the showers after they finish their workout, quite frankly I think a few of our guys should gay it up just to be motivated to be in better shape
Number... what number am I on? Three? Yeah, number three, all I keep hearin' about is how the coaches are trying to build competition, can you imagine the competition between the guys if Andrew Luck was in a relationship with Reggie but TY thought Luck was really cute, and since we all know homo's can't keep a secret Reggie would find out! And then, what if it came out that Luck and Vontae Davis got a little drunk during OTA's, one thing lead to another and then bam! Andrew cheated on Reggie. Think about the competition during practice once that gossip started!
Number four, we wouldn't need to worry too much about any of our guys committing too many sexual crimes. I've heard of a million football players accused of assaulting, raping and fondling women. But not once, never, have I ever heard of any football player arrested for any gay rape.
Number five, glitter. So much glitter.
Mort in his infinite wisdom then asked CQ if he was concerned about gay players toughness:
Are you tryin' to say that gay men, men that like to take it in their REAR's are less mainly than men who like to lay down a woman? Mort, I can't believe in 2013 you could even think something like that. It's just ignorant. Let me tell ya Mort, here's what you gotta do just to know how tough those gay fellers are. First go to your local Wal-Mart, then find the produce section and find ya a nice sized cucumber, next take it home, then find someone to shove it up your butt really hard and fast, it's important you find someone to do it for you, it's too hard to reach back there while going hard and fast enough to really simulate a 6'7" 325lb African American man drillin' ya'. Mort if you don't cry... I'll say you're a real man. But if you're like me, you'll probably cry like a baby and try to pretend you're not actually there.
The rest of the conversation requires no commentary just read what was said:
Mort: CQ, so you've experimented sexually with produce?
CQ: I'm not sayin I have, I'm not sayin I haven't.
Mort: What are you saying?
CQ: I have no idea.
CQ: It can be messy but when used correctly it's beautiful. What's it to ya?
Mort: Are you a homosexual?
CQ: I'll try anything once. What are you doin' after this interview?
Mort: I... I... um... uh... So that's all from the Mort Report, now back to you in Bristol.
Noble on left. Mortensen on right.
They were also seen later in the night dancing shirtless while consuming multiple apple martini's. ESPN has issued a statement that can be read here.
Neither Mortensen nor CQ Noble could be reached for comment. We here at Stampede Blue believe the sex tape all of us have never wanted to see will be released sometime in the coming months and based on early reports it may be up to 17 hours long.
Regardless of how you feel about this topic isn't it great, training camp is just around the corner?!
*please note none of this actually happened. Chris Mortensen doesn't even know that I'm alive, much less does he care. ESPN, NFL Live, the Mort Report and their respective sponsors are not affiliated in anyway with this post or Rick Astley. Rick Astley wasn't consulted for this article, but I realize now, that he probably should have been.*
**please also note, that I do not care if this offended you. I don't care if you think it's as funny as I wanted it to be. I don't care if you liked this post. I don't care how you feel about homosexuality or the legality of any type of marriage. I don't care how you feel about free healthcare or who you plan to vote for. I don't even care if you like air or America. If you don't like puppies however, you're likely a terrible person. Puppies are adorable.**
***please also, also note, I think we should have a cutest couple thread where we pair current Colts players into couples based on compatibility and the perceived likelihood that they could stay together for the long haul. Then we work our way, tournament style, to the single cutest hypothetical Colts boyfriend pair possible. Yes I'm serious.***