Good lord above, do I hate the offseason. As if spending time with my friends and family wasn't bad enough, I can't even sneak away and browse the sports media outlets because there's nothing going on. That is, unless you like debating about how low Michael Sam would have to be drafted before we can call the NFL homophobes, or reading about how Chud and Pagano are in cahoots, or watching the "Winter Olympics," which is what I did today. Did you know that there is actually Men's curling and Women's curling? I mean at a certain point, we're just being sexist.
The point is, it's that time of year when there is nothing important to argue about, and nothing tangible to support our unimportant arguments. Thus, the only way to entertain ourselves is with the unimportant and the intangible.
Over the last couple of seasons, this organization has welcomed many talented young players into the fold, from Dwayne Allen to Jerrell Freeman, and we're likely to have more after this hopefully successful offseason. In order to celebrate these guys, we need to give them hilarious* names that they'll be forced to carry forever. I personally believe that nicknames have declined in the NFL lately, and that this is largely due to the prevalence of social media in sports. Many actual nicknames have given way to lazy acronyms, or bad puns. We once had Primetime and Sweetness, we now have RG3 and Dangerussell, which I had to mention because it is probably the worst nickname I have ever heard. And the worst twitter handle. (Wilson, you little D-bag, you.)
*nicknames may not be hilarious
Creativity endures in names like Megatron, Beast Mode, Muscle Hamster (my current favorite), and Shady, and we need to promote that in this organization, or we'll be forced to remember people's names forever!
Let's start with the offense:
Andrew Luck: This one is hard because "Luck" serves as its own nickname. However, our quarterback is just too kooky a character to not have a real nickname. Obviously "Neard" or "Neckbeard the Pirate" would work, but if he ever decides to shave, these would stop making sense. Personally, I think "the Valedictorian" and "the Architect" are the most fitting considering his personality and background, if a bit grandiose.
Trent Richardson: This guy is currently in the process of reinventing his reputation, and I wish him well, especially because it means he gets a chance at a new nickname. He has already had two that I know of: "T-Rich," which he carried with the Browns (boring) and "Second and Nine," which he acquired with us (a bit mean-spirited on our part). We don't know what Richardson's identity will be next year. Hopefully he will be much improved, and his battering style of play will give birth to a world shattering name like "sledge" or "earth bender." Personally, I'd be plenty happy with just "Second and six."
Coby Fleener: The only bad news about Coby Fleener kicking his addiction to dropped passes is that we can't make jokes about it anymore, and that his old nickname, "Second and Ten" no longer applies. So he'll have to drop it. See? I can't even make a joke about him dropping stuff anymore. Because he doesn't. Sigh. Now that that's gone, his only other defining character traits are (1) that he was the best Pat McAfee Show guest ever and (2) that he's fast, for a tight end. Maybe "White Vernon Davis" would be appropriate. At Stanford, he was known as one of the "Tree Amigos" along with Levine Toilolo and Zach Ertz. Since Luck and Whalen are also on this team, perhaps that collective nickname could be revived.
T.Y. Hilton: Sorry man, but you dug yourself a pretty deep hole there. For those that don't know, T.Y. is not his real name. When he was little, people called him "little Tyrone" after his father, then "little Ty" then "Ty" and now "T.Y." I've already said that I find acronyms fairly boring, but at least Hilton knows enough about the importance of brand recognition to do the T Y arm gestures when he scores, which always makes me want to sing: "It's fun to throw to the, T Y Hil-ton."
Dwayne Allen: This guy is awesome. Not only is he a great player, but he's a good person too. At least... that's what his words and actions would have us believe. Allen is one of the many players on this team that seems suspiciously nice. Therefore, I think that, until further notice, his nickname should be, "He's Probably a Serial Killer." This is both poetic and and a good warning to the victims he will probably have.
Defense is a much, much shorter list, both because we have fewer new starters and because defensive players are rarely assigned nicknames. It's not fair, but C'est la Vie.
Jerrell Freeman and that other CFL guy: If that other CFL guy I'm too lazy to look up turns out to be as good as Freeman, we'll have two Canadians in our linebacking corps! Someone made a joke about the Terrance and Phillip characters from South Park, and I think this could actually be a good name for the pair. I like it because "Terrance" and "Phillip" sound like nicknames for linebacking positions, like "Mike" or "Will." Sounds good, eh?
Thanks for the read, and if you have any nickname ideas or other ways to kill some time in this accursed offseason, I welcome you to do so in the comments.
Oh, and it wouldn't be a meaningless fanpost without a poll!