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Image genius courtesy of colts9318rock

My friend John Oehser always has genuinely nice things to say about Vic Ketchman, who has about the same job at Jaguars.com that John had at Colts.com. I'm sure Vic is a nice guy, and I'm sure he is very good at his job. Maybe, some day, Vic and I can grab a beer, sit down on a couple of comfy bar stools, and make fun of each other in a jovial, easy-going manner.

However, until that day, I must do what every honest, passionate Colts fans always does during an NFL regular season: Make fun of Vic Ketchman's stupid comments at Jaguars.com.

In his most recent Power Rankings article, Vic ranked the Florida Gators the #1 team in the NFL.

Yes, you read that correctly. It wasn't a typo on Vic's part. It wasn't a logo screw-up or a webmaster getting the College Top-25 mixed up with pro football's team rankings. This was Vic being "cute" with his writing, somehow suggesting a team of boys under the age of 21 are better than any team in the NFL comprised mostly of 30 year old men.

Even Vic's comment line on ranking Florida #1 in the NFL is humorous, in a sort of sad "Awwwww, it's he just a silly-willy" kind of way.

Gators win with defense.

In other news, Peyton Manning set an NFL record yesterday, throwing 15 touchdown passes in one game against the Vic Ketchman #1 ranked Flordia Gators "defense." Also during the game, Tim Tebow was rushed off the field for emergency surgery after Colts safety Bob Sanders hit him so hard his jock strap shot up into his throat. Early reports say Tebow is fine and resting comfortably with Florida coach Urban Meyer by his side, personally changing his bed pan on a regular basis.

Seriously folks, the Jaguars are so bad right now, Vic cannot even promote them on their own site. He's got to promote the University of Florida to get people's attention. Cue dumpster fire pic:

Anyway, no Vic Ketchman article, no matter how large or stupid, is complete without Vic taking an unnecessary and childish shot at the Colts. It's like having a root beer float, but without the root beer. It's Jimmy Johnson, but without the hair gell. It's Joe Buck, sans douche.

In his (hehehe, I'm sorry, I laugh every time I think of this next word in association with Vic Ketchman) "rankings," Vic has the Giants, Saints, and Vikings ahead of the Colts, who are the highest ranked AFC team on his board. The Saints are 4-0, and did not play this past week. So, ranking them ahead of the 5-0 Colts seems a little, well, stupid. But hey, I can let that go. Both NY and Minny are 5-0 as well. No problem seeing them ranked ahead.

What I find humorous is Vic's comment line next to his #5 ranking of Indy:

Why were they passing late in the game?

Oh! Oh! I know why, Vic! I know!

It's because the Colts like to run up the score on crappy teams, padding the stat line so they can get their Pro Bowl bids in early because all the Colts care about is padding stats, disrespecting opponents, and looking "cool" rather than winning. I mean, everyone knows just how classless and crass the Colts organization is, from Peyton Manning to Bob Sanders to quarterbacks coach Frank Reich to the hotdog vendor named Sal who stiffs Jags fans at Colts games by charging an extra 50 cents for mustard. (OK, the last part was full of it, but so is Vic Ketchman).

Did I get that right, Vic?

Ahhhhh Vic. It's always fun to take your hopeless fan drivel, turn it upside down, and wedgie it to death. Maybe, one day, you'll come up with some new material I can pick apart and slice up, like the Seahawks did to the Jaguars "defense" this past Sunday. Maybe one day, Vic won't use the same tired talking points that were old three years ago.

Until then, we will continue to enjoy the comic genius at Jaguars.com known as Vic Ketchman. Oh, and yes Vic, the first beer's on me.

[Editor's Note: At 2-3, the Jaguars are certainly not "bad," but after a 41-0 Jags loss to the Seahawks and a Colts 31-9 blowout over the Titans, you'd think Vic would have a little more tact in his article. Thankfully for us, he didn't.]

More photos » by Paul Connors - AP

Indianapolis Colts wide receiver Pierre Garçon (AP Photo/Paul Connors)

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This is just a helpful tip on how to spell Pierre Garçon's name correctly. In the HTML view, enter &ccedil when you want to create a tilde under the "C."

That, or you can just copy Pierre Garçon and paste it in whenever you want to mention the electric young receiver's name.

Indy Star article on Colts receiver Pierre Garçon

At some point or another during the off-season, you probably heard about Dwight Freeney's guest appearance on the Dr. Phil.  You probably know that he disguised himself as a limo driver for two gold-diggers who treated him poorly because they thought he was a low-wage driver, rather than a $76 million man.

What you probably don't know is what the actual segment looked like.  After all, it's very hard to pull in the football diehard audience and the audience that loves self-help advice shows.  But finally after a lot of YouTube searching, I was finally able to track down the segment where he humiliated the gold diggers far worse than he ever humiliated David Carr.  They do a good job of trying to cover their tracks, but you can still see that they were pretty upset for turning down a chance to hang out with a very, very wealthy man.  Check it out, I think you'll find its worth the 5 minutes out of your day.

via cache.gettyimages.com

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Does anybody here remember Jim Finn? He was drafted as "Mr. Irrelevant."  You know he played fullback for the Colts from 2000-2002. He fumbled a lot, but he played hard. I remember the 2002 game against the Titans when the Colts were so hurt at running back that they had to start Jim Finn at HB. He had like 2 carries and 2 fumbles before he got knocked out of the game. In fact, in the picture to the right here he is about ready to get hit, hurt and fumble all at once. It was sad, but I always loved Jim Finn.

Anyways, the other day I was searching on Wikipedia because I am a Wikipedia addict and I was like, "I wonder what Jim Finn is up to these days." Yes I know I don't have a life so you don't need to remind me of that. So I was reading that Jim Finn was retired from football and he recently married actress Rosa Blasi. This name sounded familiar so I did a Google image search of her...

via wallpapers.celebritydesktop.com

Oh. My. God! That is one amazing woman! Jim Finn truly is "The Man!" Pretty damn good for a "Mr. Irrelevant." I take back everything I said about your numerous fumbles Mr. Finn!

Also, its worth mentioning that Jim and Rosa welcome their first child together in September 2004. Congrats to both of them! Once a Colt, always a Colt.

Oh and for those of you who don't remember Jim Finn well at least you can appreciate the picture of his wife that I put up here!

Considering that King's article discussed two piles of crap in his weekly MMQB article today (one literal and one metaphorical), maybe he should have titled today's article Monday Morning Pile of Crap:

Changing planes at DFW on Sunday, I used the men's room near one of the American gates. I walked into one of the toilet stalls with the automatic flushers.

WHOOOOOSH. I closed the door to the stall and sat down.

Three more times I heard the same WHOOOOOSH as I sat there and minded my own business.

Of course, no flush when I get up and leave the stall. Gotta love technology.

Thank you, Peter. I appreciate waking up today and reading about the dump you left un-flushed in the airport this past weekend. My day is now complete.

Later on in King's article, our old buddy gets a little shippy when discussing the dancing clown at is Deion Sanders:

"Prime U is not what we do. It's who we are.'' Who writes this crap for Deion Sanders? And if he thinks it up himself, what in God's name does it mean? What a pile of crap.

Actually Pete, the real pile of crap was what you left in that airport restroom. But, I digress.

Oh, and bravo, Peter! Thank you for finally starting to write like a blogger. We've known for years that Deion Sanders' only reason to exist is so we can make fun of him.

On another note, old Pete had some good things to say about the Colts draft:

I think Ken Whisenhunt is in mourning this morning. The Cards really, really wanted Donald Brown for the kind of person he is and the kind of player he will be, and Bill Polian beat them to Brown. Peyton Manning, Donald Brown. That's an Eagle Scout convention right there.

Hallelujah! The Colts took a beefy DT high in the draft. Someone explain why USC line leader Fili Moala is still sitting there at 56. Great value pick there, but that shouldn't surprise you with Bill Polian behind the curtain.

In what's become something of a tradition for Colts fans, the final game of the season is absolutely meaningless, which means lots of time for us all to get aquainted with the team's second stringers.

Since there's not a lot to get excited about in terms of competitive football, I've devised this eating game to keep Sunday interesting.  Some people like to do this with alcohol, but why would you pass up the chance to see Jim Sorgi with the full mental clarity that comes with being sober?  That's what I thought.  Here's what you'll need for the eating game:

• A wheel of cheese (I know this was at the top of all of your holiday wish lists, right above that throwback Dean Biasucci jersey you've always wanted).
• A melon baller.
• A spoon.
• An ice cream scoop.
• A rope.

Once you've collected all of those items, all you have to do is refer to the following score sheet and enjoy what should be some exciting second string football.

Whenever you hear someone say "Jim Sorgi is no Peyton Manning."...Scoop out some cheese with melon baller.

Whenever you hear someone say "This is Roy Hall's first appearance of the season."...Scoop out some cheese with melon baller.

Whenever you hear someone say "I wish Devon Aromashodu was still around, his name was fun to pronounce."...Get a spoonful of cheese.

Whenever you hear the words "Vince Young" and "legs" in the same sentence...Scoop out some cheese with melon baller.

Whenever you hear the words "Jim Sorgi" and "legs" in the same sentence...Dig out some cheddar with the ice cream scoop.

If you spot someone in the crowd wearing a throwback Dean Biasucci jersey...Dig out some cheddar with the ice cream scoop.

If you spot yourself af the game wearing the wearing a Dean Biasucci jersey...Immediately stop whatever you're doing and consult a physician.  Either you're

1. Having a freaky out of body experience.
2. Eating something that isn't cheese

Either way, it's probably not a good sign.

Whenever some says "Colts" and "injuries" in the same sentence...Scoop out some cheese with melon baller.

Whenever you hear someone say "Najeh Davenport breaks free!"...Dig out two scoops of cheddar with the ice cream scoop.

Whenever you hear someone say "Najeh Davenport is pooped after that long run."...Stop whatever you're doing, ask someone to use the rope to tie your hands behind your back and eat the rest of the wheel of cheese using only your mouth.

"How much do you wanna bet I can still win this game, ref?"

Longtime readers of the blog may know that Know Your Colts History started out as a segment where I'd take screencaps from the History of the Colts DVD and add weird captions to them.  Eventually, I wore that DVD out (as well as the Super Bowl champs DVD) so I had to go to actually writing stuff each week (well, if you call what I do "writing").  But for this week at least, the KYCH tradition will be relived as we take a look back at the 4 minute sequence that saved the Colts season.

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