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Bill Simmons: Dip Shit

Hi! I'm a dip shit. Like my tie?
I do not to hide my annoyance with Bill Simmons very well. He's a witty writer with a smart ass attitude who often confuses what he does with "journalism." Bill is a lot the guys over at Cold Hard Football Facts. Both like to think they know what they are talking about. Both think they are objective.

Both aren't.

In fact, both Bill and his ilk at CHFF are nothing more than pathetic, angry Patriots fans who are completely incapable of objectively writing about anything that doesn't relate to the Patriots or other Boston area teams.

Case in point: Joseph Addai. Addai is a legitimate Rookie of the Year candidate, no question. He ran for more yards than any rookie in the league. More than Reggie Bush, Maurice Jones-Drew, Laurence Maroney, Deangelo Williams, or LenDale White. Addai also split carries with another back (Dominic Rhodes) all season. He did not even start, yet generated 1081 yards and 7 TDs during the regular season, averaging 5 yards a carry. In his first playoff game, he ran for 122 yards and a TD on just 21 carries. Yet, when asked about Addai in a recent chat on ESPN's site, Simmons responded with this gem:

Kevin W. (Boise, Idaho): Bill, your most premature, incorrect statement of the 2006 NFL season has to have been when you said (in Week 3 no less) that the biggest blunder of the draft was when the Colts didn't trade up to draft Maroney. A few picks later they got the guy they wanted all along in Addai. Both are excellent young runners but Addai clearly fits the Colts offense better as a more accomplished blocker and better receiver. And he had a better rookie season. Any regrets for making this comment so early?

Bill Simmons: No regrets at all. I don't think Addai is that good -- seems like a 3rd down back to me. I don't watch the Colts and think, "My God, how are we gonna stop Joseph Addai!" Watch what he does against Baltimore this week -- if he gets to 50 yards, I'll be surprised.

Folks, if you didn't already know this, please allow me to spell it out for you: Bill Simmons is a complete and total dip shit who has no business ever confusing himself with a "journalist." Simmons' nickname at ESPN is "The Sports Guy." He writes things from "a fans perspective." If you read any of his columns, you know that the following change is necessary: He writes things from a Patriots fan's perspective. I understand the role of a "fan writer" at a place like ESPN. The boys in Bristol are so out of touch with reality that they need "regular people" to write stuff so that their website isn't a complete and total bore. Simmons often is funny, but his opinion is so totally skewed by his homerism for the Patriots that to call him a general fan is an insult to fans everywhere. Simmons' writings on Manning, and his recent musings on Addai, confirm this.

The reason I harp on this is that I cannot stand it when people pretend to be something they aren't, or they essentially lie to readers by posing as an "objective fan" when clearly they aren't. Bill is such a poser, and it has descended into the realm of the absurd. Simmons made a dumb, uninformed statement early in the season (that Addai is not a good back), was proven wrong, and now will not admit his error. Rather than admit error and own up to like... well, like a man, Bill acts like a little punk bitch.

I, personally, have never claimed I'm objective. I'm a writer for a Colts website. I'm a Colts fan. I love the Colts. They are, in my mind, the best team in football; the best organization in football. If they went 1-15, I'd still feel this way. I'm a big, fat, homer fan. Don't like it? I care. I am certainly not a journalist, and would never claim to be.

However, even I will, occasionally, write positive stories about players and teams I hate. Even though he plays for the Patriots, I think Laurence Maroney is a very good young back. Even though he ran for less yards, averaged fewer yards, and scored fewer TDs than Addai, I still think Maroney is good. My hatred for the Patriots doesn't skew my opinion of him. Sadly, Bill's hatred of The Shoe blinds him from the obvious: Joseph Addai is a very good rookie RB, and he is better than Laurence Maroney. Period. The stats indicate this. The production indicate this. The team's record indicate this. If you think otherwise, you:

  • Have not watched Addai play (in which case, you should STFU because your opinion is not informed and no one wants to read a dip shit), or
  • You're a blind homer for your team, and anyone who doesn't play for your favorite team sucks (in which case, you should STFU because your opinion is not informed and no one wants to read a dip shit).
"Simmons said what about Addai? Wow. That's just... wow. What a dip shit, huh."

No exceptions. My favorite part of Bill's response in his laughable chat is the last line:

I don't watch the Colts and think, "My God, how are we gonna stop Joseph Addai!" Watch what he does against Baltimore this week -- if he gets to 50 yards, I'll be surprised.

So, basically, those 1081 yards (most by a rookie this year, did I mention that?), 7 TDs, and his 122 yard effort in his first playoff game... all that means nothing. In order to prove he is a good back (or, at least, better than Laurence Maroney), Addai has to run all over the Baltimore Ravens, a team that held league MVP LaDanian Tomlinson to 98 yards on 27 carries (3.6 yard-per-carry average) and sports the #1 overall defense in the league. If Addai can do well against that, he's "good" in Bill's mind.

Please. Lick my ass, Bill.

By the way, no one goes into a game thinking "God, how do we stop Laurence Maroney (you know, the guy Simmons said the Colts should have drafted)?" "How do we stop Jones-Drew?" Or even, "How do we stop Reggie Bush?" Even with New Orleans, teams are more focused stopping Drew Brees than anyone else. With New England, it's Brady. And with Indy, it's Manning.

So, the next time you read The Sports Guy, please take note of his past screw ups (claiming Maroney is a better back than Addai) and his complete and total blind homerism to his favorite Boston-area teams. Bill likes to fancy himself as objective. So did Baghdad Bob. Like Bob, Bill is full of it.