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Gregg Easterbrook and my family jewels

By Brad Wells

As much as I dislike hacks like ESPN's Ed Werder or Tom Brady's fluffer, Peter King, none annoy me the way Gregg Easterbrook annoys me. Easterbrook is even worse than Bill Simmons. At least with Bill I can call him a moron homer and dismiss his opinion outright because it is clouded by the disease known as Newenglandis Dumbassitis. With Easterbrook, he isn't a homer, a hack, or a fat grown man in love with Tom Brady.

Easterbrook is a complete moron who knows absolutely nothing about football and to this day I don't know why anyone employs him to write about the subject.

Kissing Suzy Kolber did a hilarious spoof on Easterbrook last year, and I encourage you re-reading it (because I know you loved it the first time). Easterbrook is funny when he's writing about cheerleaders he'd like to bang and TV shows he'd like to see canceled. It's my humble suggestion that Gregg avoid offering his opinions on TV shows and movies seeing as doing so got his ass fired from ESPN a few years ago. Of course, ESPN re-hired him recently, proving once again ESPN is a network of soul-less pigs... but I digress.

Easterbrook's most recent ESPN article on football talks about the Colts, focusing specifically on Bill Polian's draft genius and Dwight Freeney. While Easterbrook does give Polian his props for his drafting (a no-brainer in the same realm as saying Michelangelo was good with paint), good ole Gregg couldn't help but sound like a schmuck when discussing how he would coach an NFL team:

What I don't understand is the way opponents game plan for Freeney. Football lore says of defensive ends: Run away from an end with strength and toward an end with speed. When Reggie White was in his prime, smart offenses ran away from him. When Bruce Smith was in his prime, smart offenses ran straight at him. Yet offenses don't run straight at Freeney. According to "Pro Football Prospectus 2007" -- and the Pro Football Prospectus series is, hands down, consistently the best independent football analysis available anywhere -- last year, Indianapolis opponents called only 18 running back rushes toward Freeney, the lowest number of running back rushes toward the right defensive end faced by any defense in the league. If I were concocting a game plan against the Colts, I'd run straight at Freeney to neutralize his recovery speed on plays the other way, and to make him stop thinking about the quarterback and start thinking about the run.
Yes, thank you Gregg. This from the guy who once said teams should "move around" in the secondary in order to fool Peyton Manning. He suggested this before Baltimore's trip to Indy in 2005.

The Ravens were crushed in that game, and Manning played like his usual brilliant self.

Now, Gregg is suggesting teams run at Freeney. Why? Because it will stop him from rushing the QB. Lost from Gregg's logic is the fact that Freeney is good against the run, and the reason teams don't run at him is because he stops them. Just ask Kansas City, Baltimore, and New England, who tried to run at Freeney in thep layoffs only to get stoned.

Please Gregg, do us a favor: Return to whatever dumbass think tank you take money from and write some more useless political papers that will stroke the johnson of America's intelligencia. While you're at it, masterbate to some photos of the Eagles cheerleaders. Do that and stay away from our football, because you are quite possibly the dumbest pundit writing about football today.  

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