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KSK's Christmas Ape sends us a lovely holiday card

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Washington DC; land of KSK's writers, politicians, and monuments that look like giant penises. Image: via <a href=""></a>
Washington DC; land of KSK's writers, politicians, and monuments that look like giant penises. Image: via

Word of warning: This post is a tad juvenille in humor and nature. So, if you are not interested in reading about dick jokes, Kissing Suzy Kolber, or images of a blogger masturbating on a horse, I suggest reading mgrex03's excellent stat breakdown instead. For everyone else...

One of my favorite writers at Kissing Suzy Kolber is Christmas Ape, aka Michael Tunison. Michael founded KSK and wrote a hilarious book called The Football Fan's Manifesto (nice gift idea for those of you with family and friends who like beer pong, strippers with fresh stitches in their face, and watching the classic flick Real Genius naked with a bowl of jello in their lap).

Over the years, Michael has systematically attacked and destroyed just about every sacred football tradition you could ever think of. Along the way, he also managed to get his ass fired from the Washington Post, after revealing to his then-employer that he was indeed the co-founder of the now-infamous KSK. Michael is funny, witty, and has an impressive talent for taking a giant, steaming, chunky crap on the things we all know and love.

And when he does this, we thank him for it because it makes us laugh our 400 pound, cheeseburger and Natty Light infused asses off.

Recently, Michael and I have had a little back and forth. He stupidly bought into the false story that the Colts piped in crowd noise against the Patriots in 2007 (I'm assuming Michael owes Ed Werder a favor, and the usual "Will you sit on my mustache?" payment Werder expects for such favors simply wasn't enough). I called him a schmuck because of the false claims, which has now grown into an affectionate term I apply to all writers on the Internet who talk football. Michael didn't like being called the term schmuck. So, he lashed out again, making a lot of funny but silly claims about the Colts 2008.

Then, just recently, Michael decided to create a new "character" in line with Drew Magary's hilarious Tommy from Quinzee satires. This new character is Derek from Muncie (I'd have suggested DeWayne, but Derek works). Derek is fat, lazy, self-important, self-righteous, and likes to hear himself talk.

I can only assume Michael modeled the character after himself, as all Pittsburgh Steelers fans seem to fit the bill of a "Derek from Muncie." The only difference is Derek doesn't seem to have a 12-inch yellow dildo vibrating pleasure device shoved up his anus, as most Steelers fans are known to have. But, we won't kill Michael too much if he doesn't model every great character after himself.

Anyway, the post was funny, and we here at Stampede Blue (per verbal "we," as shake n bake was too busy stealing Michael's old job at the Washington Post to care about what Michael has to say about Colts fans) decided to shoot back by playfully making infected dick jokes at the expense of Dan Snyder and taking shots at anyone who insults the great city of Indianapolis, especially when the insulting party hails from the hairy taint so often written about in the fine political blogs that litter the Internets: Washington DC.

DC just happens to be the home of Michael and Drew. This, of course, explains why they hate life, Jesus, authority, black people, and movies that do not have at least one close-up shot of Harvey Keitel's penis.

However, in our little "war of words" between KSK and Stampede Blue, I've always viewed it as tongue-in-cheek (or, perhaps so Michael can better visualize my meaning, tongue-in-Werder-Stash). KSK is funny. I am not. When KSK bashes my team, my favorite head coach, my QB, my mother, whatever... I use the opportunity to write articles that feature jokes about syphilis. It's my opportunity to write funny, even if I'm the only one laughing at my funny.

Recently, Michael has assumed that my rants back at him and KSK are indeed serious. In a new article, Michael's tone has changed a bit. He seems just a little pissed off that some silly little Colts blogger DARED to shoot back with some humor (or, lack thereof) of his own. When one of his readers called out Michael on his silly anger on the subject, asking him "So you made fun of them, but they aren’t allowed rebuttal?" Michael's response was a bit... well, assholish. I mean, more assholish than usual for Michael:

Did I make fun of Stampede Blue in the first post? If they wanted to rant about/respond to the Colts fan post, they could have done so in the comments. Besides, the point is this the third time they’ve taken some random thing I wrote about their team way too seriously.

Well, first off, um.... yeah, Mike. You did make fun of Stampede Blue in your first post. This is a Colts blog, which is run, written on, and read by... (wait for it...) COLTS FANS! So, when you insult Tony Dungy, make false claims about piped in crowd noise, call us an "extra virulent strain of retardery,"and call the great city of Indianapolis "The Land of Sh*t," I'm pretty certain that doing all this just about insults and makes fun of every corner and square inch of Stampede Blue, an Indianapolis Colts blog.

After most of these lovely and well-written insults, we've responded in kind. And, if I do say so myself, I think our responses have been pretty good, especially when you consider that we are just a bunch of dumb Hoosiers who love to screw farm animals and smoke crank with our 10-year-old nieces. I mean, other than KSK, where else am I going to receive the treatment I personally dish out to Peter King, Bob Kravitz, and the entire NFL Network studio? Don't get me wrong. I love writing articles about injured players, the press ignoring an undefeated football team, and trying to constantly fend off people who get upset with me when I call them out.

But when else do I get the chance to cut loose and write an article that is the equivalent to a fart joke?

Why Michael would get all pissy about us responding to his insults, I don't know. I figured he wanted such a response. And because these KSK-thrown insults are so well crafted and funny, I figure that a featured article on my site is the best forum to respond. I mean, no offense Michael (OK, yeah, there is offense here, but you're a man and you can take it), but your commenting system at KSK sucks donkey nads and your site looks like Sal Paolantonio's rectum (don't ask me how I know that; long night, lots of Patron; I vaguely remember someone looking like Vince Young there). Your content is great at KSK and you guys are mini-geniuses (because full-fledged geniuses have bigger penises and don't live in friggin Washington DC), but commenting on your site is like trying to jack-off in a wind tunnel.

Meanwhile, our commenting system here at Stampede Blue is, of course, magnificent! Yet, despite our clear technological advantage, I have yet to see Michael, Drew, or anyone else from KSK comment here. If they have, they've done so anonymously.

I guess my whole point in this rant is that I like KSK, and if Michael or any of them over there have taken me seriously in my responses to the KSK insults (which are indeed directed at me and other Colts fans), I humbly apologize. I figured that if you could sling dick (jokes), you could take a few back at you.

If Michael feels that the only true way to respond to his greatness is to comment on his own site using his crappy commenting tools that are circa 2006 (back when Edgerrin James was a high priced free agent and Jason Campbell was considered someone with "potential"), then my counter is that Michael get off that high horse he is masturbating on and realize that that there are other asshats in the world (me) who get and truly appreciate his humor and who also enjoy dishing right back at him.

As always, cheers (aka, go f*#k yourself) Kissing Suzy Kolber. Please continue to insult us. Just please don't get all pissy when we insult you back.

Special thank to this KSK commenter for accurately "getting" what I'm about. At least there is one of you out there. And no, shake n bake did not steal Michael's old job. That was a joke, even though I'm the only one who thinks it is funny.

[UPDATE]: Christmas Ape kinda acts like a douche in his response to this post. It's still cool, I guess. Maybe next time he'll pick a fight with someone who doesn't bite back.