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Time to face the music Hacksworth

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People like Albert Haynesworth need to be forcibly stranded on a deserted island.  All memory and evidence of their existence must be destroyed.  Albert Haynesworth is a detriment to society, and people like him don't deserve $100 million contracts.  People like him don't deserve to be hyped up as a great football player, especially when his only stellar seasons came in his contract years.  People like him don't deserve to be on a stage in which a mass audience is subjected to his horrible actions and personality; he doesn't deserve anything.

I understand American society is all about giving people second chances.  I have no problem with this, I believe people do deserve second chances.  I would want the same.  My only stipulation is that the person who is trying to earn a second chance learn from their mistakes and seek to improve themselves in whatever way necessary. 

Haynesworth was given his second chance, and after serving his 5 game suspension for stomping on Andre Gurode's bare head, most NFL fans accepted this as an adequate punishment and moved on.  But Albert Haynesworth doesn't care about second chances.  He took the second chance us fans (of the NFL, not necessarily him) gave him, and spit it back in our face; quite a touching gesture Albert, I really appreciate that. 

Today, Albert Haynesworth was indicted on two misdemeanor traffic charges of reckless driving and having an expired registration.  The reckless driving charge is in regards to a December 13th accident involving one other vehicle.  The driver of the other vehicle, or should I say, the victim, had to undergo hip replacement surgery.  That should give you an idea of the severity of the accident.  Keep in mind, this all happened merely four days after Haynesworth agreed to 30 days of probation for a speeding ticket (103 in a 70) he received in March earlier that year.  According to a witness who was driving down the same highway at 80 mph, Haynesworth passed her in his Ferrari and cut infront of the victim, sending his car careening towards the median.  What makes this even more ridiculous is the fact that it snowed over half an inch the night before.  Oh, and did I mention that the victim's favorite player was Haynesworth?  Yeah, you heard right.  Imagine if Peyton Manning was driving 80+ mph and cuts you off, causing you to wreck and have severe injuries.  Would you like him anymore?  I wouldn't.

Even with these charges looming in the background, he felt no sympathy or remorse for the guy he nearly killed.  He didn't even send him an apology, or a card, or visit him in the hospital.  He just continued on with his life like nothing ever happened.  Hate to break it to ya big Al, the hammer is about to come down, and you aren't going to like it. 

I read the press conference Albert gave when he signed with the Redskins.  There were a lot of things that stood out to me, mostly on the "my god you're an idiot do you even know what you are talking about?" side.  I'd like to respond to a few statements he made.

On what he's learned from the mistakes he's made and how he's grown:

Well, you know, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. That's what my mom said. So, it didn't kill me. It almost did, but it didn't kill me, and I feel like I'm stronger from it."

The first thing that popped up in my head when he said "my mom" was Adam Sandler as the Waterboy.  Ma ma ma ma maaaamamama mama said wateva doesnt kiwl u makes u stwonga!  Oh yeah Albert?  Did your mom ever teach you manners?  Did she ever tell you that stomping on a guys bare head with cleats on isn't a good idea?  Did she ever tell you that speeding on icy roads and cutting people off probably isn't a very nice thing to do either?  No?  Color me surprised.  You are right about one thing, stomping on Gurode's melon didn't kill you, but with the way you're going, someone might, literally.

You know, what happened was really a bad day, and it really tested, I guess, my faith as a person in myself, if that makes any sense.

No, that actually doesn't make sense.  I wasn't aware that stomping on someone's dome is a reasonable way to vent your frustration when you are having a bad day.  I don't know of any other human being that does that.  I am curious to know what was causing you to have such a bad day though.  How could anyone be having a "bad day" when you are getting paid a lot of scrilla playing a freakin game for a living.  PLEASE EXPLAIN THIS ONE TO ME.  While you're at it, would you mind clarifying what  "faith as a person in myself" means?  That makes no sense.  You have faith as a person, in yourself?  Faith in what?  Faith that you wouldn't miss Gurode's head thereby not only making you a-hole of the century, but an a-hole who can't even stomp a dude's head right?  Good call.

Like, I had to really look into myself and to see if I wanted my career to go down the drain, if I wanted all of y'all to remember Albert Haynesworth as a player that kicked somebody in the head, or if I wanted to be remembered as a player that turned around and took his punishment, did what he did, and stepped up and became a great player.

I couldn't help but notice that you forgot to mention the multiple legal problems you were facing, including nearly killing someone.  But that's ok, I'm sure you just forgot about it right?  Right.

You know, it's only two short years past, but I expect to keep taking those steps and kind of covering it up or kicking dirt over it.

Ouch...poor choice of words Albert.  We all know that's all you really care about.  Covering up your problems instead of actually facing them and solving them.  We know what type of person you really are.  But hey, you keep kicking that dirt.  While you're at it, paint some rocks too will ya?

So what have we learned here kiddies?  Let's see:
1) Haynesworth has a complete disregard for the laws.
2) He's an inconsiderate prick who likes to cut off his fans on the highway (I'm surprised Albert didn't flip the guy off and leave the scene of the accident).
3) He's stupid.
4) He isn't concerned about manning up to his problems, he only wants to "kick dirt over it."
5) He totally just wrecked a Ferrari.
6) I can't emphasize enough just how dumb this guy is.

Don't get me wrong, I'm no angel myself.  I break the laws every now and then.  I speed sometimes, I may have accidently cut someone off before, everyone is guilty of this.  However, I highly doubt many of us are guilty of speeding on an icy road, cutting someone off, and getting into a wreck when you are on PROBATION AND HAVE NO FREAKIN REGISTRATION!


You know you've really messed up when Jesus is facepalming your actions.  Tool.


Fret not fat Albert, you'll get yours in the end.  Your actions will not go unnoticed nor unpunished.  Tell you what Albert, I'll do you a favor, let make a few phone calls, see if I can help you out.  I know a guy who knows some people.  We'll see what he says.


Sorry dude, that's the best I could do.  It's not like you care right?  All you care about is that big paycheck coming from the prince of tools, Dan Snyder.  It's not like you have a love for the game or your fans.  I mean clearly, you didn't even tell the guy you creamed on the highway "sorry man", or "oh I didn't see you there I was eating a fudgesickle", or "I'm an idiot, here's a million bucks if you don't tell someone."  You couldn't even try to bribe the guy?  Seriously?  He just exposed you for the worthless pile of scum you are.  We have a name for people like you.  You want to know what it is?  No?  Well I'm going to tell you anyway.  People like you are called dregs.  You probably don't even know what the word means, but that's ok.  Just picture yourself, with a stupid crap-eating grin on your face, a load of cash in your hand, wearing your stupid Redskins jersey, that's a dreg.  You epitomize everything a dreg stands for.  I think my friend Socrates sums it up quite well:

Are you not ashamed of caring so much for the making of money and for fame and prestige, when you neither think nor care about wisdom and truth and the improvement of your soul?

If you have a soul or a moral conscience at all, you will take heed to these words and truly seek to atone for your mistakes.  Until that day comes (aka never), FOAD.

I'd like to end this on a serious note.  I was writing parts of this article while I had some downtime at work.  I had been picturing this fatass driving a Ferrari cutting people off left and right on the highway, and something really weird happened when I was driving home from work.  I pull up to a stoplight because it was red (yes Albert, red means STOP), and these two cars seemingly come out of nowhere and BAM!  They hit head on going about 30 mph (a guess).  Glass shaddered, plastic and fiberglass parts went flying, the remnants of both cars lay scattered on the ground.  It was like it happened in slow motion.  I was just sitting in my car, eating a poptart, talking to yellowsnow on the phone, and the next thing I know I see these cars just heading straight for eachother and the only thing I could muster up to say was, "OH MY..." and then they collided.  The accident that happened right infront of me really put all of this into perspective, and just made me hate Haynesworth even more.  Luckily the two drivers in the crash were ok.