As a draft prognosticator and lover, I am offended. In my Sports Illustrated with Clay Matthews, Brian Cushing, and Rey "I own the police" Maualuga on the cover (ugh), Peter King put out a mock draft. I was appalled. Not even the magnificent story on Roger Clemens and Brian McNamee could fix my depression that a formerly respected magazine would put out something so terrifying. I have read hundreds of mock drafts but none have been this terrible. I will go into depth, but please, this is parental advisory. Children should not be exposed to such filth as it will corrupt their minds and make them think the Chargers need a running back.
I will go into detail on each pick. The horror begins now.
1. Detroit: Matthew Stafford/QB/Georgia-Okay, nothing wrong here. They will take him, but this is the disturbing part. Here is the first sentence of his explanation. "Wake Forest LB Aaron Curry is overpriced for this position." Umm what? First he's a linebacker, so his contract is nothing compared to Stafford's, and secondly, he's the best player in this draft by far! He makes Patrick Willis look like Gilbert Gardner! 0 for 1, Peter.
2. St. Louis: Jason Smith/OT/Baylor-Enjoy this pick, everyone. It goes downhill from here.
3. Kansas City: Tyson Jackson/DE/LSU-This is what caught my attention and brought tears to my eyes. It set all draft prognosticators back decades and killed a piece of Mel Kiper's soul. He says they will take him because he is the best 3-4 DE. True, but they drafted Glenn Dorsey last year in the top 5 and took Turk McBride in the second round in 2007! If there is any position more secure on defense for the Chiefs it's the defensive end position. Aaron Curry is still on the board at this moment. I'm sure McBride will be thrilled that he is getting replaced after two seasons by a player who is being projected as going in the mid-teens.
4. Seattle: Mark Sanchez/QB/USC-This will probably happen but it pisses me off. The Seahawks need a left tackle like Eugene Monroe to keep Hasselbeck healthy, but the Seahawks would rather take a QB for when Hasselbeck gets hurt.
5. Cleveland: Aaron Curry/ILB/Wake Forest-There he is! Good job Peter! It only took you five picks to take the best player in the draft after having three teams with mediocre linebackers pass on him. And you also say it was a tough decision between Raji and Curry. Fantastic.
6. Cincinnati: BJ Raji/DT/Boston College-When I was typing this I wrote OT instead of DT. That's because it seems obvious that if someone like Eugene Monroe, the best pass blocker to come out in years, would be the selection especially after Cincy signed Tank Johnson, but Peter wants them to play Tank and Raji side-by-side. I guess the defense will be on the field a lot when scabs are playing QB and RB after Carson Palmer and Cedric Benson get torn apart because of the lack of offensive linemen.
7. Oakland: Jeremy Maclin/WR/Missouri-Seems right. I mean, it's not like there isn't a great wide receiver prospect left so Al Davis will settle for Maclin. Oh yeah that's right. That Crabtree guy is pretty good, correct? Best wide receiver since maybe Larry Fitzgerald (Calvin Johnson may have something to say about that though)? Nah. Al Davis likes fast players but he isn't some addict who needs a fix with a first round draft pick. Peter mentions Crabtree zero times in his description.
8. Jacksonville: Eugene Monroe/OT/Virginia-If Monroe is left the league is doomed because of idiots on Peter King's level will be running the show, but this would be a correct pick in that horrifying scenario.
9. Green Bay: Andre Smith/OT/Alabama-Hey Pete, you know they are changing to a 3-4, right? You had the Chiefs make a ridiculous reach because of that but the Packers will take someone with breasts with the ninth pick? I fel like I am picking on someone who is special in a always-should-wear-a-helmet way.
10. San Francisco: Michael Crabtree/WR/Texas Tech-You know that whole apocalyptic scenario I described at number 8, if Crabtree is left at ten get to the bunker because it's the end of the world.
11. Buffalo: Aaron Maybin/DE/Penn State-Even though this is the same pick as I would have, he is missing something. There is a stronger pass rusher with more experience left but apparently he has too much "potential as a pass rusher" to pass for Brian Orakpo, a huge pass rusher. This is just frustrating.
12. Denver: Brian Orakpo/rush LB/Texas-This doesn't fill a need, Pete! Elvis Dumervil and Jarvis Green are more than capable at this point. They need someone like Tyson Jackson who you have going number 3 for some unexplanable reason.
13. Washington: Robert Ayers/DE/Tennessee-Would Dan Snyder take a no name like Robert Ayers with the SC linebackers and Michael Oher are left? No he won't. That's why this pick is stupid.
14. New Orleans: Malcolm Jenkins/CB/Ohio State-Peter says "Despite a major need at RB, New Orleans won't be taking a popular mock-draft pick Chris Wells here." You don't take the popular or smart pick often, right Peter?
15. Houston: Brian Cushing/OLB/USC-Cushing is a good player, but Houston has DeMeco Ryan, Xavier Adibi, Cato June and Buster Davis, will they pass on someone like Darius Butler or Vontae Davis at a position of need? Maybe, but I would be surprised if Cushing is the pick.
16. San Diego: Knowshon Moreno/RB/Georgia-This almost made my head explode. Nothing I have read could be more illogical than this. A sentence in here made less than no sense. "Moreno satisfies the long-term need for an every-down back." LaDainian Tomlinson may have something to say about that, and I'm sure Darren Sproles isn't too thrilled either.
17. NY Jets: Connor Barwin/LB-DE-TE/Cincinnati-This makes sense in the second round. Barwin is a great player, but he isn't a first round prospect right now. Maybe if he falls a little to the Jets it would make sense because he fits the system so well, but the Jets won't pass on Josh Freeman or Darrius Heyward-Bey for Connor Barwin.
18. Denver: Peria Jerry/DT/Ole Miss-Hey Peter, they're switching to a 3-4. Jerry is a 4-3 DT not a 3-4 DE. Also the Colts are destined to take him and I'll be damned if you ruin destiny, Peter.
19. Tampa Bay: Josh Freeman/QB/Kansas State-Jon Gruden isn't the coach anymore. They won't have a strange obsession with mediocre QBs anymore. They have Luke McCown, Byron Leftwich and Josh Johnson. They don't need skinny JaMarcus Russell.
20. Detroit: Michael Oher/OT/Ole Miss-This would be a great pick, but the GMs would have to screw up big time to let this unbelievably talented player drop. If he falls past San Diego I'll be shocked.
21. Philadelphia: LeSean McCoy/RB/Pitt-McCoy will not go above 31 and will not go above Donald Brown. He's too young and is a master at none. The Eagles will not take a running back no matter how smart that seems. This pick will be a defensive end in my opinion.
22. Minnesota: Alex Mack/C/Cal-Eben Britton is still on the board. The Vikings will take Britton unless someone great drops or Britton is taken by the Lions or Chargers. It's that simple.
23. New England: Percy Harvin/WR/Florida-This makes so little sense it's unbelievable. The Patriots need to bring some youth to defense, especially to their terrible secondary. Belichick won't be able to fix Harvin's problems. I think Harvin could become a Pacman Jones or Chris Henry. He's had a history of problems off the field.
24. Atlanta: Brandon Pettigrew/TE/Oklahoma State-Absolutely right. Finally.
25. Miami: Clay Matthews/OLB/USC-Two straight picks I agree with you. Maybe you are catching on?
26. Baltimore: Rey Maualuga/ILB/USC-Maybe not. Linebacker is not a need for the Ravens. They don't need a successor to Ray Lewis yet. He signed a big contract. What's with you and drafting players to succeed other players?
27. Indianapolis: Hakeem Nicks/WR/North Carolina-Peter says "I'd pick Vontae Davis and pair him long-term with Kelvin Hayden at CB, then get a wideout like Ohio State's Brian Hartline later in the draft to play the slot." Um, so why did you take Nicks? You clearly aren't doing what you think the GMs will do because the GMs won't be dropping acid prior to the draft. Davis is a problem child and cornerback is a strong position for the Colts. Also, Brian Hartline? I'd take Pierre Garcon after a double amputation over Hartline.
28. Buffalo: Eben Britton/OT/Arizona-There you go! The fourth best offensive lineman was taken at 28. 6 offensive linemen in the top 28 picks? That seems too low but it could happen. Britton will be taken no lower than 22 so this pick is wrong.
29. Cleveland (from Giants): Alphonso Smith/CB/Wake Forest-Number one, who predicts trades in their mock draft? That's weak. Secondly, Vontae Davis and Darius Butler are still on the board! Why would they take a mid-second round prospect in Smith over a great corner in Butler and a talented athlete in Davis? No, Peter. Just no.
30. Tennessee: Max Unger/C/Oregon-Okay Peter, I'm getting sick of this whole taking players to succeed veterans thing. The Titans need cornerbacks. They have a Pro Bowl center. They don't need another one, especially one that will be a guard in the pros.
31. Arizona: Donald Brown/RB/UConn-I agree. Nothing more to say.
32. Pittsburgh: Vontae Davis/CB/Illinois-The Steelers need help at offensive line if they want to repeat. I'm sure a problem child like Vontae Davis will help.
Overall, this mock draft was terrible. If I get less picks right than Peter I will be so embarrassed I couldn't talk for days. That's as low as it can get. However, I have no doubt than mine will be better. Peter King is a terrible writer with no football knowledge as BBS has proven time and time again. This only further proves his point.