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Editor's Note: Give a warm smile and a shift kick to the nuts for the return of Mr. Nick Ragsdale, a.k.a. The Predictificationist. For the next 17 weeks, this reject, Internet message board troll is going to flaunt in our faces how he predicted the Ravens would win Super Bowl XLVII back in September of 2012. This year, Nick's off the a fast start, having picked the Broncos over the Ravens Thursday night. Now, for the rest of the week...
2013 Regular Season: 1-0*
2012 Regular Season: 164-91-1*
2012 Colts Predictions: 13-4
OK... I'm weak.
I can admit it. A new NFL season is finally upon us and I just can't help but want to write a Predictification article. I know, I'm supposed to be off doing bigger and better things at USA Football (and I am) but I just love my people at Stampede Blue. Is that so bad?
My resume speaks for itself (I predicted the Ravens to win the Super Bowl last year - in the preseason!) and my record is solid. It'll be tough to top last year - but IT'S WHAT I DO.
So, who are my picks for this season? Well, I posted that in MAY this year - just to prove how awesome I am (I've got to raise the bar somehow). You can see them here.
So what exactly is Predictification?
Predictification [pri-dikt-if-i-keyt-shuhn]: The making or causing of an event based on one's cerebral powers outside of natural scientific knowledge.
Predicting an NFL Season from start to finish is tough - at least I would think it is if you aren't a predictificationist like me. Want to know how I knew the Ravens would win the Super Bowl? It's complicated.... and cost me $79.95.
All season long I will be using my 'predictification' powers to satisfy your desires.... at least the desire to know the end result of a football game before it happens. Only a select few have been blessed with this unique gift and I'm nice enough to share it with you.
You're welcome. (See how powerful they are? I sensed you saying 'thank you' in my mind)
How much do I have to pay you to see your predictive powers?
Nothing! That's the beauty of it! You think Brad Wells could afford me if I charged what I was actually worth? That's the thing... I work cheap (aka, free).
- Most people look online or in the classifieds when they need a job - not Tim Tebow. Rumor has it he's been reading the Bible (open, of course to the book of Job).
- Does anybody else find it unbelievable that its been 44 years since a quarterback threw seven touchdowns in a game? It happened three times in the 1960's and somehow didn't happen again until Thursday night?? The NFL (especially in the last few years) is a 'passing league' with all kinds of new penalties against the defense - you would have thought it'd of happened sooner.
- I know it's a quarterback league and all but if Johnny Manziel goes in the first round of the NFL Draft next season the GM of the offending team should be fired on the spot.
- I think I know why Colts owner Jim Irsay picked the Gin Blossoms for the Kickoff Concert - their songs seem to sum up the last couple of seasons as a Colts fan: The 2011 season (Follow You Down), the Peyton Manning saga (Til I Hear it From You), Colts fans watching Stanford and doing draft research on future quarterback Andrew Luck (Found Out About You) and then the rest of the NFL's reaction to our rookie phenom (Hey Jealousy).
Before we get to the games, here are some other fearless predictions, news and notes for Week 1:
On to the picks!
Oakland Raiders (0-0) at Indianapolis Colts (0-0)
Line - Colts by 9.5
The Colts should win this game comfortably - but if we learned anything from last year, the Colts don't seem to win any game comfortably. I don't think the Colts will cover the spread but I think they'll be in control most of the way. Darrius Heyward-Bey will catch 4-5 balls for 60 yards or less and Ahmad Bradshaw will rush for 75 in his debut.
You heard it here first.
COLTS WIN 24-17
New England Patriots (0-0) at Buffalo Bills (0-0)
Line - Patriots by 9.5
There are a few things you can count on in this life: you're going to die, you have to pay taxes, you can't live in your parent's basement forever (Brad) and the Patriots will make a rookie quarterback look lost. The Patriots won't be what they once were this season - but they are more than enough to handle the Bills.
It's the lock of the week.
PATRIOTS WIN 27-13
Cincinnati Bengals (0-0) at Chicago Bears (0-0)
Line - Bears by 3
The Bears have a new head coach and there is a little uncertainty about what that'll mean for the Monster's of the Midway. My gut says that they are a physical bunch that is a bit more disciplined on offense - and that could be scary. A.J. Green will get his (probably 8 catches for less than 100) and Brandon Marshall will do his thing (10 catches, 107) - but it'll be Matt Forte who is the star of the game.
BEARS WIN 24-17
Miami Dolphins (0-0) at Cleveland Browns (0-0)
Line - Even
I don't like the Dolphins. I don't like Ryan Tannehill, I don't like the Mike Wallace signing and I don't like Lamar Miller. I do like the Browns more - especially Trent Richardson and the Cleveland defense. This will be the lowest scoring game of the week but the Browns will come out on top.
BROWNS WIN 20-13
Minnesota Vikings (0-0) at Detroit Lions (0-0)
Line - Lions by 5
I'm choosing to think that last year was an aberration. I believe in Matt Stafford and Calvin Johnson - and I REALLY like the Reggie Bush signing (I secretly wanted him on the Colts over Ahmad Bradshaw). I think we will see the scoring machine we saw two years ago in Detroit and the Vikings (and Adrian Peterson) will return to earth a bit after an improbably playoff run.
LIONS WIN 34-17
Atlanta Falcons (0-0) at New Orleans Saints (0-0)
Line - Saints by 3
I don't think the Falcons get enough respect - or maybe a just have a soft spot for them because their playoff failures remind me a lot of the Colts in the early Manning years. I know that the Saints have Sean Payton back but I don't think they will be able to beat one of the better regular season teams over the last five years. I'm taking the Falcons, on the road, and not looking back.
FALCONS WIN 34-31
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-0) at New York Jets (0-0)
Line - Buccaneers by 3.5
Revis island returns to New York for the first game of the regular season. The Jets have been a trainwreck all offseason and I don't think you should expect much from them in Week 1 - or all season long for that matter. The Buccaneers aren't going to be a playoff team this year but should have enough to get by the lowly Jets.
BUCCANEERS 20-13
Tennessee Titans (0-0) at Pittsburgh Steelers (0-0)
Line - Steelers by 7
I'm a firm believer that we will see a re-emergence from Chris Johnson this year, but I don't think the Titans have enough weapons (especially at quarterback) besides Johnson to compete. The Steelers have been a model of consistency for a long time but they are starting to show some cracks in the foundation. The Steelers should win this game - being at home to open the season should help.
STEELERS WIN 24-14
Seattle Seahawks (0-0) at Carolina Panthers (0-0)
Line - Seahawks by 3.5
The Seahawks enter the season as an NFC Super Bowl favorite - and with good reason. Second year quarterback Russell Wilson (who I like better than RGIII) should have a strong sophomore season and RB Marshawn Lynch should get a lot of skittles this year. If you don't know it already, you will by the end of the season - I'm not a Cam Newton fan. With that said, Seattle should win and cover pretty easily.
SEAHAWKS WIN 27-17
Kansas City Chiefs (0-0) at Jacksonville Jaguars (0-0)
Line - Chiefs by 4
The Chiefs seem to be everyone's pick to be a 'surprise' team this year. Veteran quarterback Alex Smith should give them some stability that they've lacked to compliment playmakers Jamaal Charles and Dwayne Bowe. The Jaguars have Maurice Jones-Drew.... (that's all I got).
CHIEFS WIN 23-10
Arizona Cardinals (0-0) at St. Louis Rams (0-0)
Line - Rams by 4.5
I like both of these teams to perform much better than they did in 2012. Bruce Arians brings his pass-happy offense to Arizona where I like Carson Palmer as a fantasy sleeper. The Rams are starting their second season with head coach Jeff Fisher and seem to have some weapons on offense. This game will be surprisingly good - and close.
RAMS WIN 27-24
Green Bay Packers (0-0) at San Francisco 49ers (0-0)
Line - 49ers by 4.5
I know the 49ers were the NFC champions and EVERYBODY loves Colin Kaepernick - not me. I don't think Kaepernick can do what he did last year and, based on what I saw this offseason, he seems more Johnny Football than Peyton Manning. I think Kaepernick struggles and the Packers find a way to win on the road.
PACKERS WIN 34-27
New York Giants (0-0) at Dallas Cowboys (0-0)
Line - Cowboys by 3.5
I don't really enjoy either of these teams - but I enjoy it when they play each other. You can almost count on every game coming down to the wire. When you think two teams are even you should always take the home team by a field goal - that's what I do.
COWBOYS WIN 27-24
Philadelphia Eagles (0-0) at Washington Redskins (0-0)
Line - Redskins by 3.5
This game is like 'Old Vick' versus 'New Vick' - except 'New Vick' will have to prove to me that he is fully recovered from his knee injury. I think the Redskins will win this one but I think they will be losing for most of the game. Look for the Eagles to do something in the second half to give the game away.
REDSKINS WIN 24-17
Houston Texans (0-0) at San Diego Chargers (0-0)
Line - Texans by 4
Houston has some questions going into the new season. Is Arian Foster healthy enough? Can Matt Schaub lead them to the promised land? Can the Texans win in Indianapolis? Even with all the questions they should have enough talent to get by Phillip Rivers and the Chargers - who seem to be moving backwards.
TEXANS WIN 27-17
***
Agree? Disagree? As always, comments are welcome! I will track my picks during the season and brag when I'm right (and pretend I was right when I'm wrong). Pick against me if you dare - remember, I'm a Predictificationist.
Follow me on Twitter at @USAFootballBlog