FanPost

Mock Draft version 4.20

‘Tis the season for mock drafts and it seems every person, from alleged draft experts on the All Sports Every Minute Network, to everyday joe schmoes on a questionable 3rd tier blog site, seems to be flooding the inner web with their multi-round, multi-version mock drafts. And that’s great. We all need to know who the next potential Mr. Irrelevant might be or the guy the Jets or Texans draft in the 3rd round from North East Walla Walla State College that was projected in the mocks to more likely have been an UDFA or likely picking ugly ties for his new job selling used cars because he graduated with an interdepartmental General Studies degree.

So, I don’t want to miss the boat on this trend. But instead of doing a boring, everybody-is-doing-it NFL mock draft, I thought it would be much more meaningful (especially on April 20th) and a better contribution to the overall benefit of society to do a mock draft of what the people really need: A one round mock draft of my favorite Junk Foods. (Note: these are MY favorite junk foods…your mileage and experiences may differ.)

But before I begin, I need to explain the rational for this mock draft. I’m operating from the premise that I’m building a football team of the best junk foods; so we need to limit this to just 22 players…er..foods. Gotta fill out both an offense and a defense. Further, just like positions football players play, these foods are broken into the Four Basic Food Positions:

M – Meal, S – Snack (or Side), B – Breakfast, D – Desert.

Of course, not all junk foods will fall into just one of these categories. Some, like Bacon, are multi-talented and can be play more than one position (making Bacon a true Rookie of the Year and Pro Bowl candidate right out of the gate!) Note that a junk food that is versatile enough to be either a meal or a side, shows very high upside and will be considered favorably (so long as it has good character traits obviously.)

In the best tradition of all Mock Drafts, let’s start with the 1st pick and I’ll rationalize why and where each delicious junk food ranks.

With the first pick in the 1st annual Mock Junk Food Draft v4.20, I would select:

#1: Pizza (M/S/B) - Pizza is by far, the most starter ready junk foods available. It’s a meal…it’s a late-night snack…hell, for most of my college life it was a breakfast. It’s versatility and value just can’t be overstated, whether it’s just playing basic cheese, or goes all out and slides over into the everything-on-it role, pizza is the clear number one of my draft.

#2: Bacon (B/M/S) – Again, a great versatile pick that is almost the very definition of ‘junk’ food, especially when traditionally fried in its own heavenly juices and preservatives. It also goes great as the perfect breakfast side or added to any just about any other meal to enhance it (burger, pizza, ice cream). If you don’t like bacon, well, then I would offer you a nice side salad and place to go sit way far away from me.

#3: Tacos (M) – Whether suiting up in crunchy or soft, tacos are full of grit and determination. And beef… or chicken… or fish…

#4 Chicken Nuggets (M) – I’m an adult and not ashamed to admit I love chicken nuggets. But then who doesn’t love something that is technically chicken, processed to the point of being almost pre-chewed, then deep fried and ready to be dipped in any number of tasty sauces. It’s also got the great pedigree of being made famous by the King of Junk Fast Foods, the golden arches.

#5 Ice Cream (D) – The first desert to be drafted, ice cream, is a truly traditional classic that can be eaten in so many forms. (Again, versatility is a key) ice cream can line up in a cone, in a shake, sitting on top of your pie, or just spooned out of a pint of B&J’s sitting on the couch in the dark watching Ren and Stimpy reruns at 2 o’clock in the morning.

#6 Hamburgers (M), #7 Brats (M) and #8 Hot Dogs (M) – I feel this is about the right place where these classic grilling items would fly back to back off the board. It will depend on the team and the coach, but each can be just fine playing plain, as well as adorned with cheese, bacon, ketchup mustard or pickle relish.

#9 Nachos (S/M) – Technically a chip, or even slightly related to the taco but in deconstructed form, nachos are the rare hybrid that can play two ways as a snack or a meal.

#10 Donuts (B/S) – Rounding out the top 10 is another junk food perfectly at home sitting at the breakfast table, or passing the time as a snack. Donuts have a broad range of adaptability from the plain glazed, to the exotic Boston Crème filled variety that fancies itself a pastry.

#11 Mozzarella sticks (S) – Deep fried cheese, just the sound of it coming off the tongue hardens the arteries and causes the mouth to water. This junk food all-star was the role model for Oreos, Twinkies and Snickers on team Deep Fry.

#12 Cake (D/S) Cake is truly a specialist that is best suited playing when motivated, like on its birthday or celebrating an anniversary. But I’m not saying it takes plays off as it can show up as the legendary Junk Food, Twinkie, or take it done a notch and be a cupcake.

#13 French Toast (B) – A somewhat surprise pick here. It may be a stretch to consider French toast over such classics as pancakes or waffles, but there was something about this egg-encrusted powder sugar and syrup coated treat that is best served with a side of bacon or sausage.

#14 French Fries (S) – At this point, time to go with Best Available of the side dishes here and choose the steady and reliable French fry. And I’m not talking that foreign abomination smothered in mayonnaise, but the all-American kind dipped in ketchup, as God intended. Playing next to hamburger, brat or hot dog will only enhance its overall performance.

#15 Chips (S) – Chips could almost be a team all their own, whether talking potato or corn chips or Cheetos or pork rinds; they are the very definition of ready to play at any time. They would probably be higher on my draft board, but they seem like the quintessential junk food and honestly, I probably take them for granted like that special team player who’s a solid leader in the locker room but will never get the big contract or recognition they deserve.

#16 Jalapeno Poppers (S) – Yes, this is almost akin to taking a kicker in the first round, but this deep fried food makes the list if only for notoriously showing up next to the Nachos and wings at Super Bowl parties. Also, it plays spicy, but is not so hot as to be like dipping my tongue on the surface of the sun or into a cup of McDonald’s coffee.

#17 Buffalo Wings (S/M) – Even though the wings are more of a snack, they can be, in excessive quantities, a meal of themselves, (but I can’t help but think it would be easier just to go with the whole leg.) Even so, Buffalo Wings were a workout warrior and scored well at the Junk Food combines.

#18 Churro (S) – An unexpected pickup from the International League (Southern region) the churro is another one of those snacks that seem to have benefited from solid workouts and one of those fast risers in pre-draft mocks everywhere. Not sure what else to add other than my kids seem to love these things…

#19 Pie (D) – Another desert that suits up in multiple fronts. Whether playing traditional Apple, Cherry, Peach or Pecan. Or something more exotic like Mudd, Turtle or even ala mode, pie brings it every play as a steady and reliable desert.

#20 Candy (S) – Candy really shines in the biggest holiday bowls. It steps up its game around Halloween, Christmas and Easter. Yet can meet expectations every day when hangry.

#21 Cheesecake (D) –Less valuable than pie and disguising as ‘cake’, cheesecake is more pie and assaults the opposition with multiple flavors and even has its own factory.

#22 Burrito (M) – The less popular cousin to taco and nacho, burrito played at junior college. But don’t let the lesser competition fool you. Burrito can be stuffed as big as your head and provide instant gratification and fulfillment.

As always, there will be plenty of UDFA left over and available for everyone to pick over in a late night fit of the munchies.



This is a FanPost and does not necessarily reflect the views of Stampede Blue's writers or editors. It does reflect the views of this particular fan though, which is as important as the views of Stampede Blue's writers or editors.