With the regular season just weeks away, fans of all 32 NFL teams still believe 2022 will be their teams year. Most Colts fans are excited about the group of players and coaches general manager Chris Ballard has assembled and it isn’t unreasonable to expect this Colts team to be the best of Ballard’s time as the team’s GM. But like 31 other fanbases, these are just hopes and expectations. We won’t know anything about the team on the field until September 11th, and we won’t know how good this team might be for weeks after that.
So as fans of the Indianapolis Colts, knowing what we know, is there anything concrete, anything absolute that we can hang our hat on with the Colts first game just 26 days away?
How about the (now) indisputable fact that the Indianapolis Colts have the best waterboy on planet Earth?
I don’t know that it will result in anymore wins on Sundays this fall, but it can’t hurt! I’m sure you’re wondering how that could be quantified, what measurements were used to determine that this guy is “the best” so here’s the entire competition:
I was able to sit down with Colts athletic trainer, Travis John Poulson (virtually, via email, through a PR guy named Jake (nice guy)) a few questions after winning the first ever Liquid Death Hydration Assistant Scouting Combine.
Remember this is the guy I’m asking questions:
The Greatest Waterboy of All Time pic.twitter.com/Lkwi3YBEPZ— Not Chris Shepherd's Burner Account (@NotShepsBurner) August 16, 2022
You can’t ask boring questions of a guy whose introduction to the world was smashing two cans together like Stone Cold Steve Austin. So I did my best but I realize I missed my opportunity to float “Poulson 3:16” or the obvious catchphrase “Poulson 3:16 says I just hydrated your ass” and I’ll never forgive myself.
Question: Assuming you’re collecting actual cash, what’s the first thing you’re going to buy with the winnings- and don’t say “student loans” because a guy who Stone Colds two canned waters on camera isn’t a guy who is going to be completely responsible with the cash, right?
Travis’ Answer: For those who know me, I don’t make many big purchases. I wish I had a grand idea, but nothing immediately comes to mind.
Question: I did a little research in preparation for the article and then watched the Hydration Assistant Scouting Combine and during the competition you finished inside the top three in each event, winning the water throw and vertical jump events, but I couldn’t help notice your 40 time (6.49 seconds) and vert (27 inches) are a little off of what you have listed on your scouting profile from 2015. So the question I have, were you sandbagging the competition to keep things interesting or are the cans of Liquid Death just that heavy?
Answer: I definitely wasn’t sandbagging! I’m comfortable saying I’ve slowed a step since my senior year of football. Needless to say, the Hydration Assistant Combine was a blast. Liquid Death did an awesome job being creative with their events. I will say, I’m a competitive person. I was in it to win it!
(Authors note: Travis’ 6.49 forty time, on grass, holding two cans of water is at least an entire second faster than mine would be holding nothing while wearing spikes on a track)
Question: I also noticed you were listed as an inside backer, you grew up to be an award winning Waterboy, what’s it like being the real life version of Bobby Boucher?
Answer: My role as an athletic trainer stretches far past strictly hydration, but that is without a doubt something I prioritize with athletes.
(Authors note: Travis is a licensed athletic trainer, a certified strength and conditioning specialist and a certified athletic trainer, at least that’s what I think “Travis John Poulson, CSCS, ATC, LAT” means. He and I both went to college for about seven years, one of us has more than one degree.)
Question: Have you ever speared someone for telling you that Gatorade is better than water? If so, can I get the footage for this article?
This one didn’t get answered. I’m guessing PR guy Jake didn’t love the inclusion of Gatorade in the question. Sorry to Jake if that’s not true.
Question: Joe Montana, Peyton Manning, Michael Jordan, LeBron James, Babe Ruth and now Travis Poulson. How does it feel?
Answer: HA! Not even close, but thanks! Those individuals all did their job phenomenally well, I’m just trying to do the same.
(Author’s note: Travis is absolutely on the Mount Rushmore of Waterboys)
Question: I would like to give the readers a real tip from the greatest Hydration Assistant of all time, so what tips can you give us to staying hydrated? Is it true that diet soda is just “brown water”?
Answer: Hydration is undeniably a key factor in athletic performance. About 60% of the human body is made up of water, and countless functions in the body rely on proper hydration, especially in athletes. The best tip to staying hydrated is easy: drink plenty of fluids. Murder your thirst, and your body will thank you!
(Authors note: I still have questions about diet soda)
In all seriousness Travis Poulson seems like a genuinely good guy who works for the Colts and earned himself a six figure sponsorship with a company that sells canned water. What a time to be alive. Colts fans should rest easy knowing that if the players on the field cramp up, it’s completely on that player because the Colts have the best waterboy on the planet, Travis John Poulson.
Full disclosure: a PR firm working for (with, on behalf of, I don’t know I didn’t ask) Liquid Death did contact me to see if I would be interested in writing an article about the competition and Travis’ win. What you probably don’t realize is I get pitched (depending on the time of the year) probably 40 articles a week directly into my inbox and the overwhelming majority of them (like 99.9%) are irrelevant to what we do at Stampede Blue. In fact, I’ve been getting emails since before the Super Bowl for a book on the ‘72 Dolphins, they wanted to send me an advanced copy to read and then presumably write an article about it. Why would they send me, a Colts blogger who lives in his mom’s basement, a book about the ‘72 Dolphins? I don’t know, but it’s one of the most relevant offers I’ve ever gotten, at least that one was about football. Although, one time a guy sent me a Shaq Leonard bobblehead and didn’t want anything in return, like I said 99.9%.
So when this cool story about a Colts trainer who just earned himself a six figure sponsorship with Liquid Death rolled through, I agreed to do it. And I’m not getting paid for it because I’m bad at business. Though I did ask for a can of water and PR guy Jake made some assurances.